Dear Children

Dear Children,

I am so glad everyone is excited for our upcoming move to Dubai. I want to make sure you all know that tonight your dad was teasing you. No, we will not be living in a two-bedroom desert tent. We will live in a house or apartment. No, we will not be traveling by two camels. I know you were all excited to name our camels. Sorry to disappoint.

Sincerely, Mom 

Dear Children

Dear Children,

We sure had a good time watching old home movies tonight. You each were such sweet babies and toddlers. No, we will not delete any of the family home movies that may have embarrassed you. I am glad you all know the meaning of "blackmail" now. Oldest son, I agree with your question, "Where have all the years gone?"

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Little League Association

Dear Little League Association,

 May I make a small request. I think if the temperature dips below 50 degrees all games should be cancelled. I find it very difficult to be a supportive, cheering parent when I am freezing in the stands. Plus, my children refuse to wear any long-sleeved clothing underneath their given jerseys. It makes me (bundled up in my down coat) feel even colder just looking at them in their short-sleeves and shorts. If you won't cancel games will you at least chastise my children for inadequate clothing?

 Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Let me recap to make sure I have your request correct. There are certain nicknames you no longer want your family to use. These include: Curby, Curbster, Chancho, and Chanchito.

You now want us to exclusively use the following nicknames: Oreo, Foodie, Cookie, Egg, and Tia. I thought I noticed a pattern with the names until the last request. I am a little confused why you want to be called "aunt" in Spanish.

Sincerely, Mom 

Dear Cub Scouts

Dear Cub Scouts,

Thanks for an interesting field trip to the George C. Marshall house yesterday. I am glad you all had fun. I don't think our tour guide was successful in convincing you that the Marshall historic house is not haunted. I think she did get tired of you asking her if the various parts of the house were haunted. I got tired of asking you not to touch things. Once again the several "scrap bowls" you saw throughout the house are called ashtrays. Yes, smoking is disgusting. No, I don't think that ghosts can smoke.

Sincerely, Shelley (your leader for five more weeks)

Dear Classifieds

Dear Classifieds,

I am in need of a personal assistant. I can no longer trust myself to plan my afternoons. Today at six o'clock I needed to be in five places at once. Maybe a personal assistant could tell me what is most important:

1. Finishing up field trip with the Cub Scouts
2. Taking dinner to displaced neighbors
3. Son's baseball game
4. Other son's soccer practice
5. Daughter's honor roll award ceremony

I did accomplish all of the listed activities. I did them all running around like a crazy lady. We were late for all but one of the activities. My husband had a work dinner and could not assist, so I was flying solo on fumes.

What I really need is someone to just say "no" to all future commitments on my calendar. We are moving AGAIN in six weeks and I have no time to prepare. HELP!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear High School Class of '92

Dear High School Class of '92,

 Wow, has it really been twenty years!? I can't hardly believe it. Time flies when you are having fun, eh? I am so glad I can make it to the reunion this summer. Good times. Since most of you are on Facebook I feel there is not going to be a lot of "catching up" to do. So what do you say we just resort back to playing some of the pranks we use to play? Chinese fire-drills, brown grocery bags on our heads at the dance, homemade M.C. Hammer pants, etc. Too bad I didn't hold on to any fluorescent clothes from high school. Who could have known they would come back in style just in time for our twentieth reunion! 

 Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

We need to talk. This hockey obsession is getting a little out of hand. I was glad you found a sport you were so passionate about. However, now it is all you want to talk about. I am still debating if we will watch another NHL game on TV.  It seems in addition to learning about "slap shots" and "icing," you picked up on a few new fighting techniques you are now practicing on your brother. How about we take a little break from hockey? I would really like to reclaim the garage for parking the van. What do you say we resort back to breakdancing? Legos? Really anything but hockey.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Sunday School Teacher

Dear Sunday School Teacher,

 Today, during your class, I was continually nodding my head in agreement with what you were saying. No, I wasn't falling asleep. Alright, I guess I should not lie about church matters. I was nodding off. I am pretty sure you saw me nodding off. Having three kids in different sports on Saturdays equals one tired mother on Sunday. So sorry, next week I will bring a little chocolate to keep myself awake.

 Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Blogger

Dear Blogger,

Just when I am feeling comfortable writing my little blog posts you go and change your format. No, I do not like the upgrades. I am technologically challenged and am now feeling very frustrated. I could not even figure out how to give you this feedback. Hopefully if I bribe my eleven year old daughter, she will give me a tutorial.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

 Wow, you really had a rough day. First you come home from school sick with a cold and allergies. Then, this afternoon your brother accidentally hit you in the head with his bat when you had volunteered to be his catcher. Glad you were able to curl up and watch a movie tonight. I am sure tomorrow will be better, just keep swinging and I will make sure your brother doesn't. 

 Sincerely, Mom

Dear Neighbors

Dear Neighbors, 

Some of you may not know me too well, we moved into the neighborhood just nine months ago. I appreciate the warm smiles and waves you extend daily. We have joked that we feel we are on the Truman Show. 

I feel we have all made the adjustment from apartment living overseas to the "burbs". However, there is one thing that is really perplexing to me. Every week on trash day I am flabbergasted at the things you put out with the trash. I have seen nice coaches, treadmills, mirrors, and all sorts of dressers and desks put out with your garbage. It baffles my mind how you see these things as trash. Are you too busy to list them on Craigslist? You can even list them as a free item for pick-up on your curb. I know you are not putting them on Craigslist, I check it daily for deals.

Some of your things, may or may not, now reside in my home. I am not admitting anything, but there is a reason we have not had a housewarming party.

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear JiffyLube

Dear JiffyLube,

Thank you for seeing me so quickly today. I will remember in the future that rainy days are when you are not busy. I can't thank you enough for resetting my minivan's computer system. Those beeping reminders that I needed an oil change every time I turned on the car were really getting on my nerves. It was like a nagging voice reminding me of my "to do" list when I was in a rush to do something else. Since I feel I am living in my car these days, thanks again. Now, can you do anything about the other three voices I can't turn off in my car (a.k.a. my children)?

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Playgroup

Dear Playgroup,

Thanks for another amusing morning. You always make me smile with your excitement for things such as loose teeth, strange insects, and new sports. I will try to remember to not clean my kitchen floor BEFORE you come next time. In fact, now that the weather is nice, what do you say to a picnic in the backyard next month? I will also remember not to volunteer in your kindergarten classroom the same day as Playgroup.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

I am so glad you are enjoying playing inline hockey. You are getting quite good. Forgive me if I am not yet prepared to buy you all the hockey gear you currently desire. Based on your history you tend to lose interest in things after about four months. Remember your passion for soccer? Then it was cooking, then Star Wars, then bicycles, and lastly it was an intense obsession for anything related to Angry Birds. Considering you have no interest in any of your previous passions, I think I will wait a few more months before I buy any real hockey equipment. For the time being, I think our homemade sticks, pucks, and your bicycle helmet are working just fine.

Sincerely, Mom 

Dear Primary Children at Church

Dear Primary Children at Church,

I very much enjoyed teaching your Primary class at church today. You were a very well behaved group of five year olds. You could give my six year old some pointers. Just wanted to clarify some points from our lesson today on the baptism of Jesus. No, Jesus was not baptized in the river by Mount Vernon (the Potomac). His baptism was in the Jordan River. When Jesus was put under the water I am positive he did not see the Titanic. Hope you learned a thing or two today. Thanks again for being so great!

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter, 

I am very happy you are so enthusiastic to earn some money. Yes, I agree that the older you get the more expensive your desires become. Little knick-knacks at the dollar store are no longer exciting when you see all the cool electronics your friends have. I do believe you that your friends are just given these expensive items by their parents. Sorry, dad and I just don't roll that way. I will happily hand over any of my motherly duties to you (cooking, cleaning, babysitting) for small amounts of moola. If you just focus on accomplishing one or two jobs a day you will reach your goal in a few months. You may want to reconsider my offer to teach your younger brother piano. I know he is difficult to work with, but I will pay you double!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Soccer Coach

Dear Soccer Coach, 

Only one more day before you will meet my youngest son. He is very excited for your first game tomorrow, although he finds it very odd they are going to "perform" without having had a practice. He was very disappointed to learn that the league does not allow goalies at this young age bracket. I apologize in advance if you see him self-appointing himself as team goalie. He has dreamed of being a star goalie, and he will do anything in his power to keep an opponent from scoring. In fact, let me just apologize in advance for any of his actions. He is wild and he is on major steroids for a kidney condition, so feel free to bench him when necessary. 

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Virginia

Dear Virginia,

Are you trying to spite me for loving California so much last weekend? This weather is unbearable. When I left we had temperatures in the 70's. Now this week we are down to the 40's. What gives? I think you are just being cruel. You know I had just put all my kids winter clothes in the tops of their closets. Now I have to be the "mean mom" who won't let them wear shorts and flip-flops. We have three games to attend this Saturday.  I promise to stop talking about how much I miss California if you will warm up just a little.

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

I am so sorry you were lost in the cafeteria conversation at school today. I had no idea you did not know what "Peeps" are. I have never cared for the marshmallow treats, thus they have never been included in my Easter candy stash. Don't worry, this is our year to reacclimate to US culture. I went out today and bought you Peeps. Now, how about I reward you one Peep for 10 minutes of piano practice? I may have also picked up some Reese's peanut butter eggs, please don't tell your dad.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Grandma and Grandpa

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Thank you so much for tending the kiddies while we were away. Our children had a marvelous time and are very sad that you had to go back home today. I was relieved to receive your report of our children's excellent behavior. However, after you left, my daughter gave us a different report. Seems our angelic boys were not always well behaved. Thanks for focusing on the positive, I am so glad you love them unconditionally!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Grandma and Grandpa

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Your nine year old grandson has requested I ask you to please refrain from showering for the rest of your time while visiting. He feels he is "missing out" on time with you while you are getting ready each morning. I have told him this may be an unfair request, and he needs to give you a little bit of space. Sorry if he is smothering you, he just loves you so much! See you tomorrow, if we choose to return to our crazy children.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,

Thank you for making me feel so loved on my birthday yet another year. I appreciate you reminding all of my friends and family that it is my special day. To think just a few years ago my birthday could come and go with minimal recognition. Now I am showered with well wishes. 

So, I have to say that I do not believe the research that claims you make people feel bad about themselves. Today you have me feeling great. Don't Facebook users know you just have to block the posts from people who's lives  are so perfect it makes you jelous? Works for me.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Mexico

Dear Mexico,

Hola! Remeber me? I am sure you remember my unruly children. So glad to be back. You have had a lot of drama in your life since we moved away. Swine flu, drug wars, etc. Glad to find you in one piece. Forgive me if my Spanish is rusty, I have been focusing on Arabic the last few years. I hope I can accomplish all I want to in my one day with you. Mostly my "to do" list is food. Will you please point me to the best restaurant where I can enjoy ceviche, carne en su jugo, and tortas in one stop? Gracias!

Con Amor, Shelley

Dear Youngest Sister

Dear Youngest Sister,

I am so sad you are not coming on the cruise with the rest of us. I can't believe  at 27 weeks pregnant they won't let you on the boat! I still think you should have claimed to be caring a beach ball. I admire your desire to be honest. I  need to follow the "letter of the law" a little more, instead of the "spirit of the law" I usually rely on. We will miss you. I understand you are going to come to the dock to see us off. Should we do our bon voyage Love Boat style? Streamers? Bubbly? What do you say? 

Sincerely, Shelley (your oldest and favorite sister)

Dear Grandma and Grandpa

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Thanks for taking the kids on a bike ride today. They loved it, especially the stop for ice cream. So sorry you got lost. If it makes you feel better I got a lot done while you were all gone. Glad you are here, spring break just got that much better (meaning the children's behavior is so much better).

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear District of Columbia

Dear District of Columbia,

Why is it we can't visit your wonderful monuments and museums without receiving some sort of citation? First you send us a ticket for running a red light, which we have no recollection of running. That citation was mailed to our old APO address in Amman, Jordan. By the time we received the ticket it had a hefty $200. late fee! Then today we received a parking ticket for a meter that we paid in full. Are you just out to get us? I am beginning to think so. We did track down the officer who gave us the citation due to a "faulty meter" and she said there was nothing she could do once a ticket had been issued. Is that really true? Forgive me if I do not visit your fine city anytime soon, but I feel I can't afford to do so!

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Children

Dear Children, 

You have been on spring break for four days now. Are you really going to call me an "angry werewolf" already? We have six more days to go, let's try to remain civil for a few more days. Grandma and grandpa will be here soon. I promise to not make my angry werewolf face if you promise to not fight with each other. Deal?

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

I am so glad you like holidays as much as me. April Fool's Day is the perfect holiday for you. You love jokes and you love a reason to have fun. I hope you didn't mind all the jokes were on you this year. I like the new arrangement of your bedroom furniture compliments of your dad and sister. They even short-sheeted your bed, which will maybe keep you from growing so much! Glad we had the last laugh. Everyone was so excited to see you finally eat eggs. I think our peach halves in yogurt were good pseudo eggs over-easy.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Grandma and Grandpa

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Wow, your grandkids are very excited for your visit this week. I hope you come well rested, cause it is spring break and the kids are ready to go! Thanks again for tending so we can get a little break. The kids keep asking me when we are leaving. I don't know who is looking forward to a temporary separation more, us or them! I hope the kids are good for you. I will teach you all the best time-out places for your angelic grandsons. Good luck and God Bless!

Sincerely, Shelley