Dear Children

Dear Children, 

Saturday chores did not go as well as I had hoped this morning. I feel they were a little counterproductive. One of my favorite sayings in Spanish is "negocio redondo" meaning a circular negotiation that has no end. That is how I felt this morning. You all were working so hard, but we weren't accomplishing much! Next Saturday let's be sure we close the vacuum insert so that the dust isn't just being moved around the rooms. And I will be sure you have window cleaner, not bleach bathroom cleaner, before I sent you off to do the windows and mirrors.  I will give you the benefit of the doubt that your acts were not intentional, this time.

Sincerely, Mom (aka your Saturday morning boot-camp sergeant)

Dear New Friend,

Dear New Friend,

Thanks again for inviting me to your house for lunch today. I really enjoyed meeting your Middle Eastern mother-in-law. Please thank her again for the mini-cooking lesson. Her lentil soup and fattoush salad were so yummy. I was so excited to have her recipes that I already went to the grocery store and bought all the ingredients. Tonight my kids watched the Muppets movie while I spent the evening chopping away. I must say, your mother-in-law made it look a lot easier than it is! Tell her I appreciated her letting me practice my Arabic with her. I was so happy she only looked at me funny twice as I attempted to speak Arabic. That is improvement!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Cub Scouts

Dear Cub Scouts,

So glad you all had fun at scouts the other day. I am happy you liked my game, and I am pleased I found a good use for my family's mismatched odd socks. I didn't know it would be so much fun to play dodge ball with old socks filled with baking flour! I liked that it was easy to tell when you had been hit, there was no missing those white powder marks on your scout uniforms. Tell your moms I am sorry you got so covered in flour. Don't worry about the black suburban parked nearby. I went and cleaned off all our sock marks after you left. It did look as if the vehicle had been in a "drug bust gone wrong".

Sincerely, Shelley (your Cub Scout leader for seven more weeks, not that I am counting)

Dear Neighbors

Dear Neighbors, 

Thanks for taking me to lunch today. It was a very revealing afternoon. All year I have thought our neighborhood looks like Wisteria Lane, and now I find out it is Wisteria Lane! Wow, the stories you told. I had no idea. Scandals, embezzlement, arrests, affairs, and a redhead in a red convertible Ferrari. My two hours with you were better than T.V. We must seem really boring compared to some of the previous neighbors you have had. Maybe when we move out things will get spicy again. Keep in touch if they do!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Oreo

Dear Oreo ( a.k.a. Youngest Son),

I think your self-proclaimed nickname is growing on me. Dad is right, you are hard on the outside, but a softy in the middle. I thought it was so sweet today that the little girl next door invited you on a walk with her dogs. She knows how much you like dogs. I should tell her the true way to win you over is dogs and food! I am glad you liked walking her dogs. I am sorry you thought the neighbor girl talked too much. I don't know how you can "turn off your ears" the next time she comes calling. You will have to endure a little chit-chat to be with her great dogs.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Continental

Dear Continental, 

I have never been put on hold for 45 minutes before. Wow, your merger must not be going as well as you had hoped. I was shocked that when you finally did answer my call I was put on hold for another 20 minutes while you made a simple change. I wish I could put my kids on hold for that long. They were also not happy that I was occupied with a phone call for so long. Good luck getting things more in order. I hope my upcoming flight with you goes better than my current expectations.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Children

Dear Children,

I am so glad you liked the piña colada smoothies I made tonight. They were yummy, huh? You probably don't know that I was famous for my piña coladas in college. I'm sorry there wasn't enough for you all to have seconds. I can make them again soon. I am feeling guilty about one little thing. Remember how I said the smoothies were green because they had kiwi in them. Well, they were actually green due to a few handfuls of spinach. Now, before you get too upset, remember how much you liked the yummy green smoothies. Just because I snuck a little healthy green in should not change your opinion. If I call them lucky green leprechaun leaves can we still add them to future smoothies?

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Stylish Friend

Dear Stylish Friend,

My daughter is telling me that it is "in style" to wear shoes that resemble slippers right now. Is this true? If it is, that is fabulous news. Now, do I have to go buy these special slipper shoes? Can't I just wear my already broken in house slippers? I really don't see a difference, but I know you are more aware of fashion norms. I did wear my slippers to volunteer at the elementary school the other day, but that was completely by accident. I was running late and forgot to put my shoes on. Come to think of it, I didn't get any funny looks. I think I am good to go (in fur-lined bliss).

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son, 

I found it amusing at the skate park this morning that you thought you could skate and play inline hockey as well as your friend. May I remind you that you are a beginner and he has been playing since he was three? Hold on to that confidence. If you already believe you are "awesome", you will probably eventually reach your perception. Now, how can we pass on a little of your self-confidence to your brother??

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Whoa, could we be more excited to see the Hunger Games tomorrow? I am so glad you convinced me to read the series last fall. I know I should have paced myself a little slower so that we weren't reading the third book at the same time. I am sorry I was not better about sharing the only copy of the book with you. Sharing has never been my strong suit. In fact, maybe we should get separate popcorn tomorrow. Can't wait!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Third Grade Teachers

Dear Third Grade Teachers,

Congratulations on a successful Ancient Civilizations Celebration at school today. My youngest son and I enjoyed volunteering at your big event very much. Your decorations were superb, the games and crafts were a big hit, and the food brought in by parents was quite a spread. Sorry my son ate so much, I promise I fed him before we came. He just really loves pita and hummus, actually he loves anything edible.

May I make a recommendation? Next year hold the activity in the afternoon. I was surprised your activity started at 7:45 a.m. I felt bad for you when I left at 10:30 a.m. and you still had four more hours with very wound up students. It has to be quite stressful for you to start your day off with such a big activity. As a mom it was quite stressful for me to have celebration food prepared this morning while trying to get myself and three kids ready for the day at 7:30 a.m. I think I have lived overseas too long, only in the U.S. do activities start before noon. I am sure you have your reasons, although I can't think of any.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Sons

Dear Sons,

Why do we keep having the same conversation when the outcome is not going to change. I thought I should put in writing all the reasons we will not be getting a dog right now.

1. Our kind friends who have let us rent their beautiful home this year have asked us not to have pets.
2. We are about to make another international move. Did you know it can cost close to $1,000 to fly a pet half way across the world.
3. You do not clean up after yourselves, who would clean up after a dog?
4. I fear you would quickly get bored with the dog, just like you do with any new toy.

And, the most important reason:
5. You keep forgetting your sister is allergic to dogs! I know you have asked if she can go to college early, but it is a bit soon considering she is eleven.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son, 
Thanks for the good talk tonight. I am sorry you feel that life is not fair. I know it may seem that your older sister has more fun activities that she is invited to than you. I know you also think it is unfair that your younger brother only has to go to school for half of the day. Things won't always be this way. Let me remind you yet again, that life is not fair. If you could accept that concept at age nine, you will be so much happier. Try not to compare yourself to others. Be happy for what you have and always remember that you are loved and very blessed.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

I can't believe you took a nap at church today. You curled up in my lap and you were asleep within a few minutes. You must really not feel well. I hope your meds help with the swelling soon.

I think the last time you took a nap was at least three years ago. I have to admit, it was quite nice to have you cuddling with me today. You are always trying to be so big. As sad as I am that you are sick again, I would love for you to cuddle with me anytime. And I may have given you a few small kisses while you slept. I know you hate kisses, but I could not resist. Sorry I won't "take them back", no matter how mad you get (which is pretty mad since you are on heavy steroids).

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Mad Scientists

Dear Mad Scientists,

Wow, I never knew one dad and two boys could have so much fun with dry ice. I think that five dollar piece of ice kept you all entertained for several hours. One request, can you please not do an experiment during dinner again? As cool as it was, I had a hard time eating my dinner with vapor covering the table. Keep up the experimenting. You mad scientists kept me from going mad on a busy Saturday.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Coaches

Dear Softball Coach,

My daughter is very excited to play ball this spring. Thanks for getting her on the same team as her friend. I was relieved I will have some carpooling options. My daughter is quite athletic, but on occasion you will probably find her more concerned with how her hair and clothes look than the game.


Dear Baseball Coach, 

My oldest son is not really aware he is playing baseball this spring. Yes, I have told him several times, but I don't think it has registered. I am a little nervous it is going to be too intense for him. Don't you think four practices within eight days is a bit much? My son can hit the ball, but I can't promise that he will be paying attention in the outfield. He tends to look for "treasures" on the ground wherever he goes. Hopefully his discovered treasure will be the ball on occasion!

Dear Soccer Coach,

My youngest son will be joining your team this spring, so watch out! This will be his first experience playing organized sports. He has wanted to be on team for about three years now. I will warn you he is quite good. You should  just let him loose when you are prepared to see some serious action. I can not be held responsible for any crazy behavior he may exhibit. Did I mention he is on steroids? Don't worry, it is for his kidney condition. I think it will be to your advantage.


Dear Husband,

I am sorry I signed up all three kids for spring sports. I know you told me not to, but I had a moment of weakness since this is our year living in the U.S. I am already regretting the decision, so you can withhold your "I told you so".


Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Bravo! Well done! The play tonight was wonderful. Your brothers even enjoyed the show! They were a little upset there was no popcorn to buy, and I had neglected to bring them snacks.

You looked like a natural up there on stage. You sang beautifully and your dancing was superb. Watch out world, a star is born! Looking forward to two more shows!

Love, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son, 

I am sorry I can't always answer all your questions. Here are my best attempts:


 I just don't know if Jesus and the tooth fairy are friends. 

I don't think Jesus knows if your loose tooth will be out before the end of kindergarten.

I am pretty sure that Adam and Eve did not have Legos. I agree, that is really sad.

I wish we could ask Grandma Carter to send us a postcard from heaven. You are right, it would be great to see what heaven looks like.
 
Love, Mom

Dear Pharmacist

Dear Pharmacist,

Thank you for being so kind yesterday. I am sorry I shed a few tears. I am just feeling really depressed since my son has had a relapse of his kidney condition. I hate putting him back on these strong medications that make him very hard to live with. Thank you for being so sympathetic, especially after his doctor was not. You must be a mom. I could just tell. I am glad you agree that it is difficult to spend $120.00 in co-pays on medications that make my sons kidneys better, but make his temperament unbearable. Especially when we could buy the same medications overseas for around $5.00 each. Thanks again for making me feel better. 

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Elementary School

Dear Elementary School,

As your partner in education, I must give you some constructive criticism. Planning class picture day for a Monday is a bad idea. Planning class picture day for the Monday after daylight savings is a really bad idea. Not only did I forget about picture day, but I send one boy to school in a track suit, and the other in his favorite Star Wars t-shirt. At least their hair was combed, which to my credit, it always is.

My oldest son was very concerned when I woke him up early this morning for school due to daylight savings. I assured him that just because the days are longer, this does not mean that the school day is also longer. He did not believe me. If he had a scowel on his face today it is because he thinks you are pulling a "fast one" on him. I told him I felt the same way with the picture schedule.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear American School of Dubai

Dear American School of Dubai,

Thank you for finally giving us the news that our children have been reserved spots for the upcoming school year. Wow, I am really exhausted from the lengthy application process. I think your application and requirements are more  involved than a college application. I still can't believe it was necessary for you to have letters of recommendation for incoming elementary school students.

 I will admit I am a little nervous for the entrance exams my sons must take in August for final admittance. I promise my children are functioning on grade level, but what if they have test anxiety? How well do they need to do? Just a little FYI, I am a pretty accomplished baker. Mint brownies are one of my specialties. I may be bringing a few with me to the exam. Oh wait, it is going to be during Ramadan. Scratch that. Will you take an IOU? 

Sincerely, Shelley (an educator who is NOT capable of homeschooling)

Dear Stranger Dining at Chili's

Dear Stranger Dining at Chili's,

Did you enjoy your dinner tonight? You seemed to really be enjoying yourself sitting there at the bar with your boyfriend/spouse. My husband and I were enjoying our dinner, and then we were given a free dinner show by you. I commend you for having the confidence to wear a thong at your age. I would roughly guess you are around 60 years old. The thong was a beautiful cobalt blue color, very bright and hard to miss. It may just be me, but if I ever wear a thong I don't think I will do it when I am overweight and wearing very low jeans. But time will tell, I have eaten my words before, tonight I just couldn't eat my dinner without a smile.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Middle School Music Teacher

Dear Middle School Music Teacher,

Thank you for giving my daughter this opportunity to be in the school play. She is so excited for the performances next week. I am a little embarrassed to admit I can't remember what it was I signed up to help with for the play. I remember volunteering for something on your form, but then I returned it to you without writing down my given task. I have not heard from you, so hopefully my assignment has not already expired. Please don't hold my irresponsible behavior against my daughter, unlike me, she is very organized and reliable. She gets that from her dad, but please don't tell him I am admitting it.

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,
 
I am sorry I mixed up your sandwich with your brothers. You know I am half awake in the mornings, so there are bound to be mistakes. Was it really necessary to tape the sandwich in it's baggie to the front door? After returning from walking your brother to the bus I thought it was a package delivery notification. You can imagine my disappointment when I discovered it was in fact my "scarlet letter" there for the whole neighborhood to see. Don't worry, it won't happen again. Starting tomorrow I am resigning from my position as sandwich maker.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

I am glad you got a kick out of watching me exercise this morning. The dancing I was doing is called Zumba, not "piñata dancing". Did I look like a piñata? I am a little concerned why you called it that. I know I am not the most coordinated dancer, but you do not need to continually remind me that I do not look like the lady on the T.V. I think next time I want to dance I will wait until you are at school.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Playgroup

Dear Playgroup,
 
Thank you for a very entertaining morning. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation about religion and Lent. I am impressed that one of you is participating in Lent this year. That would be hard to give up desserts and your Xbox. As for the rest of you, I don't think "lending your toys" is really participating in Lent, even if the toys were "lent" to someone. 

 I apologize again I did not have time to comb Colin's hair before you arrived. I am glad it was a source of amusement for you. Your comments have confirmed my conviction that he can't go out without having his hair styled in the mornings. I agree that he looks like Chewbaca, or a "dirty clown" (although I am not sure what a dirty clown looks like exactly). 

See you next month!

Sincerely, Ms. Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Thank you for leaving a nicely colored picture on the floor today warning us that the floor was wet. You did a great job depicting a person falling on a slippery floor in your picture. Next time do you think you could just clean up your spill? I think it would have taken less time to clean up the spill than it did to go into the office and draw your picture. Just a thought.

Love, Mom

Dear Girl Scouts

Dear Girl Scouts of America,

Wow, everywhere we went this weekend, there you were! My husband and I decided to give up sugar this month. We though March would be the perfect month to try to be healthier. We have no birthdays in our family in March, and there are no major holidays with any sweet temptations. How could I forget about you? We have been living outside of the U.S. for the last few years and it seems we completely forgot about Girl Scout cookies. I love the Thin Mints and the Somoas. I usually am a big supporter of your worthy cause. I know I could buy cookies now and save them for later. However, I know myself, there is no way I would not partake of their goodness immediately. So, are any of you willing to wait and sell me a few boxes in April? I could even pay you now, and if you could just hold on to them for a month that would be great!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Thanks for completing your Saturday chores with minimal complaining. I know you were excited to get to clean the kitchen because you thought it would be the easiest job. I am sorry you were disappointed upon learning everything that job entailed. Yes, the stove top is "gross" and a little hard to clean. I am glad you were able to complete the task even though I was not able to provide you with the gas mask you requested. I have never thought a gas mask was necessary for cleaning, but now that you have recommended it I think it would be nice to have when cleaning the kids' bathroom.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Little Gym

Dear Little Gym,

Thank you for wearing out my two sons for an hour once a week. I appreciate  your patience with them despite their rowdiness. Just a little reminder, when the class breaks into pairs my sons should never by partners. They can't seem to stand next to each other without poking and annoying one another. I know they should be old enough to refrain, but they just can't resist no matter what the threatened consequence. This is why I drive a vehicle with enough space for strategic seating. Trust me on this one, I have tried everything.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Fellow Jogger

Dear Fellow Jogger,

What a beautiful day at the park today. You seemed to enjoy soaking up the sunshine as well. I feel I owe you an explanation for my strange behavior while exercising. There is a really good reason I can only jog three-fourths the way around the loop. The only way I am able to get in my workout is if I completely avoid the playground area where my son is playing. If I pass right by him he has the sudden urge to need something like a drink, food, a toy, etc. However, if I make a quick 180 degree turn before approaching the playground he sees I am still exercising and does not ask for things. Just trust me, we have a good thing going, we are both happy even if I do look somewhat ridiculous.

Sincerely, Shelley