Dear Blog Readers

Dear Blog Readers,
The last few days I have been without internet access. I am still disconnected from the virtual world and have asked my fabulous, smart, funny, good-looking, and humble husband who is still in Washington D.C. to update you on my misfortunate situation. I hope to be back online in the next couple of days once my neighbor restores their wireless connection.

Sincerely,
Shelley's Ghost Writer

Dear Neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

Just wondering if any of you have a son who would like to play with my six year old. Preferably it needs to be someone who is quite fanatic about sports. My son has worn out all of his cousins already. He would love for a boy (or girl) to come over and shoot hockey pucks at him while he is goalie. Don't be alarmed when he asks you to hit it at his face. He really wants you to. If your child is interested I will shower them with an endless supply of popsicles and gratitude.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Runners

Dear Runners,

So, I have been hitting the river trail pretty regularly for the last few weeks. I have never been fond of running, but I see how much others enjoy it and I want to feel likewise. How do you obtain the "runner's high"? I think it is a myth. I never feel "high" while running. Maybe I am doing something wrong. If you pass me on the trail (which most of you do pass me) feel free to advise.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

No, we can't rent a Volkswagen Beetle for the rest of the summer. I know you think it would be great fun to "slug" everyone who got into our "slug bug". Unfortunately, you already do enough slugging with your brother in the back of grandma's car.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Sons

Dear Sons,

I am glad you are both so interested in following the news this weekend. It is always good to be aware of current events in the community. Yes, the local fire is a big one. No, it is not near our home even though you can smell and see smoke. No, we can't visit the evacuation sites you have seen on the news. Yes, it does look like the kids there are having fun. Yes, they were passing out junk food to those children. They had to leave their homes and toys to be evacuated, I do not share your opinion that "those kids are so lucky".

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Mother-in-law and Sister-in-laws,

Dear Mother-in-law and Sister-in-laws,

Wow, thanks for a wonderful retreat this weekend. My daughter and I had a fabulous time with all of you. Shopping, eating, pedicures, touring the city, museums, IKEA, it was fantastic. FYI, when you see my sons they may have the impression that we all went to "a church thing". I would greatly appreciate it if they were not corrected in their misunderstanding. Thanks!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Brother-in-Law

Dear Brother-in-Law,

Just a note to say thanks for taking my youngest son with you to the ice skating rink the last two weekends. He was so excited to get to practice hockey with his uncle "who is a Pro". You really have "rock star status" with your young nephew currently. Between you "the hockey pro" and my brother "the golf pro", my son has some new heroes. Enjoy it while it lasts, his dad comes into town in a few weeks, and he says his dad is "a pro at everything!"

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son, 

When I told you it would be ok for you to sleep with me tonight, since dad is not here, I meant only you. Your ten stuffed animals are not allowed to have a "sleepover" in my bed. I am sorry I have offended them and they feel bad. They will just have to deal with it, or you can keep them company in your bed. I promise that sleepovers with mommies are highly overrated.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Younger Sister

Dear Younger Sister,

Well, we have always loved a little healthy competition, but today is a day that neither of us was victorious. It looks like we both lost the contest to have our new niece named after us. It appears my balloons, and your flowers, were not enough bribery to convince our youngest sister to give us a namesake. She should not have teased us with the possibility of our niece taking on one of our middle names.  I thought we had the perfect solution, she could just combine our names. Oh well, I guess we may have to follow the example of your three year old and call the baby whatever we please.

Sincerely, Shelley (aka favorite auntie)

Dear Sister

Dear Sister,

Congratulations! Today was so amazing. Thanks for letting me be there when your precious baby girl was born. Words can't express how incredible it was. You did so well, and she is a perfect angel. I know my new niece will always hold a special place in my heart. Congrats again, I love you!

Love, Shelley 

Dear Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

Hi, I don't think we have ever met, I only stay in my house about one month of the year. I know it is strange, my husband and I leave this nice peaceful neighborhood to take our three children to live in countries in the Middle East.  That's just how we roll. 

Just wanted to thank you for leaving your Wi-fi Internet connection open, and without a password. It has been really nice to have Internet at the house this summer. I am not sure who you are, but you have probably seen me through my windows doing what I have named the "Wi-fi dance". I have to flit around the house holding my I-Pad in different positions in order to hold a signal for a few seconds. Yes, I know, I look very silly. But at least I have been able to keep up with my blog, which is very important to all five of my readers. Thanks again! 

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Hubby

Dear Hubby,

Happy Father's Day! We feel bad leaving you alone on Father's Day. Our son reminded me that we are finally giving you the one present you request on every holiday, "peace and quiet"! We hope your day was peaceful and quiet, and we hope you found the presents in the pantry that almost got packed by the movers last week! Thanks for being a great father, our kids are very blessed to have you. 

We Miss You!

Love, Shelley

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day! I look forward to celebrating together this week. I hope you enjoyed the book my son picked out for you. We thought you would get a kick out of seeing inventions that never quite took off. There are a few really good ideas in that book, like the peanut butter jar that opens on both ends. Ingenious! Likewise, I would buy the car shoulder dividers so my kids could not see each other as we drove places.

Thanks for being such a great father. In your honor I read from Bill Cosby's book, Fatherhood, today. I laughed as I remembered that you also served us chocolate cake for breakfast on several occasions! 

Thanks for the daily reminders that the only way to survive this crazy ride of parenthood is with a sense of humor. For instance, when I was one year old you really wanted a little boy to take to the Father-and-Son campout. So you just dressed me in some overalls, changed my name to Sheldon, and off we went. According to mom, you did not change my diaper once the whole weekend! But, I did have my first moment of fame. My picture made the Orange County paper for being the youngest BOY at the campout. Good times. 

Thanks for always keeping me laughing, mostly at myself. 

Love, Shelley (aka Sheldon)

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

It is great to have you back. So glad you enjoyed your week at camp. It is good you had your kind aunt at camp with you when you had your moments of "mamitis". Sorry I made you go to a family party tonight still in your dirty camp clothes, and without a nap to recuperate. You are lucky your grandparents took better care of you than your mother. You had a nice long siesta on their bed throughout most of the their party. At least you joined us at the end.

Now, we have a serious problem on our hands. We do not have a washer and dryer to take care of the contents of your suitcase, which I bravely just opened. I am going to leave your camp remnants on the front porch to air out. Who knows, maybe a "laundry fairy" will pay us a visit. If not, which of your aunts and uncles should we pay a visit to tomorrow?

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Nieces and Nephew

Dear Nieces and Nephew,

It has sure been fun having you stay with me the last few days. I am glad I got to babysit you all while your mom is away at Girl's Camp. I have a modest request. Next time we are in the car can I please choose the music we listen to? I don't think I can stand another minute of the Chipmunks or Celine Dion. No offense, but your taste in music is driving me a little nuts. How about we compromise and listen to GLEE? Or, better yet, let's just stick to the pool and avoid the car in the future. I really don't want anything to happen to your mom's new car. Although, I can blame any accident on the tortuous tunes!

Sincerely, Aunt Shelley 

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

Well, I have realized a few things this week about owning a summer home.  I have learned that a summer home has to be "winterized" before it is left for nine months. I have learned that it is not fun to clean mold out of a fridge, freezer, and dishwasher. I have also learned that toilets need to be flushed every few months so that the water doesn't evaporate and leave a nasty mess. Lastly, I have learned that a closed-up house can still acquire quite a bit of dust. 

Don't worry, by the time you arrive the house should be as clean as new. In the meantime I will be looking on Amazon for the book "The Idiot's Guide to Winterizing a House". Live and learn, right?!?

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

I miss you already. Your brothers are driving me crazy. I hope you have a great week at Girl's Camp. I can't believe you are old enough to go to camp. Well, technically you are not old enough to go. You are lucky to have a very nice aunt who happens to be in charge of camp this year. Good thing she did not mind overlooking you being a month shy of the deadline. I remember going to camp and learning how to apply makeup and do cool hairstyles. Yeah, you are in for more than just hikes! Have a fabulous time and don't eat too much candy!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Sister

Dear Sister,

I am so glad I get to be in town for the birth of your second child! How exciting! I am especially excited since you are having a girl. It is good you like the "girly" clothes and hair accessories, my daughter and I can't wait to adorn your baby in cuteness. Will you please reconsider letting me be there when she is born? I promise I will stay out of the way and be nothing but supportive. I can rub your shoulders and give lots of encouragement. I know you are concerned with it being too gross for anyone to witness, but let me remind you that I use to change your diapers. I've already seen it all. Either way, I can't wait to hold that sweet princess!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

I know you are very concerned for your precious toys and hockey sticks since the movers took them. No, they are not on the cargo ship yet. They are probably still in the warehouse. No, the warehouse does not have "armed guards", but I am sure they lock their doors. No, the captain of the cargo ship will not personally watch your things. Yes, he does have to sleep at night and take lunch breaks. He has a co-captain that will relieve him of his duties, so you do not need to be fretting that the ship is going to sink.

I am sorry I passed on to you the "worry gene" that I received from my mother. I am likewise concerned about the whereabouts of my precious paper cutter and laminator. Don't worry little buddy, dad says we will be reunited with our things real soon.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

Well, if you are reading this the kids and I made it to Utah for summer vacation. I feel bad we left you in a pretty empty house for the next month. Actually, since I have the three kids with me I think a big empty house sounds more like a vacation then what I am beginning. Hope you enjoy the quiet. I told the neighbor kids to come visit you once in awhile so you don't get too lonely. I am sure you will miss us and the chaos!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Well, the mystery has been solved. For months I have been curious as to why you kept losing your inhalers. With a $40.00 insurance co-pay per inhaler, it has been an expensive year. I also felt like I was often buying you new socks. Then I emptied your bag holding the contents of your gym locker. There were six inhalers, and roughly 20 pair of socks that had been living in your gym locker this school year. I shouldn't use the word "living" when the smell was more reminiscent of death. I think your punishment will just be the natural consequence: I will not be buying any new inhalers for awhile. In the meantime when you have asthma your inhaler is going to give you a mouthful of stinky gym sock relief.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Sons,

Dear Sons,

Gotcha! You were sure both surprised today when the neighborhood parents ambushed the school bus! What a fun tradition they have here for celebrating the last day of school. I thought it was a very appropriate beginning of summer vacation for the parents to attack the kids with water guns, silly string, and candy. You were all very amusing running through the celebratory banner and streamers. Glad dad and I took a break from the movers to take part in the festivities. Congrats on finishing another school year. You are both a little wiser, but still not as wise as your dear mother.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Well, we survived day one with the movers. I am so sorry they had to pack your hockey stick today. I had no idea it would be such a hard good-bye for you. You are such a tough kid that your tears really caught me by surprise. Don't worry, I promise it will make it to Dubai. When your brother was your age we moved to Jordan. He mourned the temporary loss of his stuffed animals for days. When your sister was your age we moved to Mexico. She only mourned the loss of all her kindergarten buddies. I really did not foresee you lamenting a hockey stick. Can you just use my broom in the meantime?

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Middle School Teachers

Dear Middle School Teachers,

Thank you so much for giving my daughter such a great school year. I feel like she learned so much from all of you. Thanks for not loading on the homework, we both appreciated that. My daughter and I bought you some really nice chocolate bars as a thank you. They were great, no Hershey's or anything. Then I accidentally left them in their store bag on top of our clothes dryer. After several loads of laundry, let's just say they pretty much liquified. So sorry. If I can get them back to a solid form I think they will still be delicious, just a little deformed. I attribute by absentmindedness to having "moving brain". It is like "pregnancy brain" only worse I believe. Thanks again for a great year, and sorry about your treats!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

Congrats on receiving the classroom award for neatest work! Wow, you have come a long way. To think just two years ago you had a total aversion to writing. Then last year we drove clear across Amman weekly to visit the occupational therapist. I know it has been a long road for you, but look at you now! You have made huge improvements in your penmanship. Way to go buddy! Now, what do you say to a bonfire where we can burn all your old pencil grips?

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Sons

Dear Sons,

PLEASE stop taking my new Tupperware to catch grasshoppers. Once you poke holes and place insects into my plastic containers they can no longer be used for food. No, your grasshoppers may not come in the house. They will have to be outside pets. Thanks for playing outside again today. Sorry we already packed up all your toys, it was necessary to prevent you from making messes during this crazy week.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Family

Dear Family, 

Sorry I was so emotional at church today. I am sorry if I embarrassed any of you. I really hate saying good-bye to people. Especially people who have been so kind and touched your life in a positive way. The great part of dad's job is that we get to meet so many wonderful people from all over the world. The bad part is that we then have to say good-bye to them. I will try to "keep it together" the rest of the week. I guess I better get my act together before the movers come on Thursday! Yikes, four days and counting. Y'all better forget about any home-cooked meals or clean clothes from here on out!

Sincerely, Mom (the wreck)

Dear Friends from Cali

Dear Friends from California (living in Virginia),

Thanks so much for inviting us to your daughter's awesome graduation party. We were so thrilled tonight to have authentic Mexican food from San Diego. We are so glad your mother snuck "the good stuff" in her suitcase. It is pretty funny the best food we've had all year had to be brought on a plane from California. We are living on the wrong coast, aren't we?

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son,

Dear Youngest Son, 

I am sorry I doubted you when you told me a giant snake lives in the stream at the skate park. Boy, you were right, that is a pretty large snake. How about you and your buddies keep to skating and avoid the stream for awhile? After all, isn't that the same stream where your friend got bit by a crawfish? Wow, we are living in the South aren't we?!?

Thanks for inviting me to play inline hockey with you this morning. I am glad you convinced me that hockey would be more fun than packing. You were right. Good thing I bought myself some rollerblades at a garage sale. You were  sure surprised your "mama" is pretty awesome on her skates. I use to rollerblade a lot in college. I even rollerbladed down the Las Vegas Strip a few times. Yeah, I was cool like that. I sure impressed you today!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Doctor's Office

Dear Doctor's Office,

So sorry I missed your call tonight. I was watching my sons' gymnastic show and could not answer in time. I was disappointed you did not pick up when I retured your call. I understand from your message that you have the results from my son's latest blood work. I am very anxious to hear if these new kidney meds are working. You could have left a little more info on you message. I am feeling a bit of anxiety since you called me after hours. I feel like Phil from "Modern Family" when he was left in limbo over some test results. I am trying to think positively. Please call me first thing in the morning!

Speaking of his meds, you said to mention if I noticed any side effects from the new medicine. Tonight at his gymnastics show he was extremely grumpy. He was low on energy and in a foul mood. In fact, he kept sticking his tongue out at me when I tried to take his picture. I told all the other parents that his bad behavior was due to the strong medicine he is taking. Please confirm my declaration, even if his behavior is merely the outcome of poor parenting. Thanks!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

I understand that you have field day approaching at school.  I feel it necessary to remind you of your transgression from last year's field day. You will probably be needing to change clothes again when field day is over. This year will you please refrain from flushing your underwear down the school bathroom toilet? Last year you were lucky your actions did not do any damage to the school's very old plumbing. I was not so lucky to be a teacher at your school when it happened. At least ten teachers went out of their way to be sure I knew of your actions. The teachers, along with your buddies, thought your prank was very amusing. I do not need to remind you that I was NOT amused. Don't worry, moms always get the last laugh. This year I may be "forgetting" to send a pair of underwear with your change of clothes.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

So sorry you have to have blood drawn at the lab tomorrow. I am worried about the threats you have made. Please don't lock yourself in your room, run away, or kick the technician. We'll get through it like we have many times before. It hurts me too little buddy.

Love, Mom

Dear Local Artist

Dear Local Artist,

I am ecstatic to finally own one of your signed prints. I really had to fight for it during the silent auction at the Memorial Day breakfast. Your framed print was the "hot item" of the auction. There were several other women who wanted to take it home to adorn their homes, but I got it! After having lived in Panama, Mexico, and Jordan I have learned a few things about competition and keeping your elbows swinging for what you want. I probably should feel a little guilty for keeping the only writing pen hidden those last few seconds before the auction ended. Oh well, I am moving in two weeks so no new friendships were needed to be made. I did redeem my shame a little by staying and cleaning up after the event. Thanks so much, your artwork is going to look great in our next house!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Children

Dear Children,

Well, we finally did it. Something you have been wanting for months. We made it to church early enough to sit in the "squishy chairs". We usually sit in the back of the chapel in the hard folding chairs not just because of our arrival time, but also because I worry about your behavior. But, you did pretty well today. Everyone was on their best behavior. The only bad thing was the chairs were a little too squishy for dad. He was so comfy he fell right asleep!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Community

Dear Community,

Wow! You really know how to throw a party! Your "Summer Kick-Off Block Party" was amazing. Swimming, carnival rides, food vendors, and an amazing fireworks show. My kids were all in overdrive with all the excitement. Thanks for a fun night. Between exploring caves today and partying tonight we are all exhausted. Welcome summer! Oh wait, there are two more weeks of school!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Thrift Store

Dear Thrift Store,

Thanks for the great hour we spent together today. I can't believe I discovered you a few weeks before we are moving! You are located just around the corner from my children's elementary school. All those days I left the school a little frazzled after volunteering I could have paid you a visit to recuperate. Such is life. Thanks for the treasures, I'll pay you a visit again  next week after reading hour.

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Sons

Dear Sons, 

Wow, you had a lot of energy at your gymnastics class today. A little too much energy for your instructor. He had to call your names a few too many times for my liking. I have a lot of packing to do this week, so I think you will need to bake the standard apology banana bread. Wait, that means I will end up with a big mess in the kitchen. On second thought, you will be making him "I'm sorry" cards. And you have to use at least 15 different colors on your card. That should buy me a good half-hour at least.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Cub Scouts

Dear Cub Scouts,

Wow, I can hardly believe this afternoon is out last den meeting. What a year we have had! I hope you come prepared for our massive water fight today. I just spent almost two hours filling water balloons. Yesterday I went to Target and bought the largest water gun they offer. My gun is so big my arm hurt today after holding it for the few minutes it took to load the batteries. Yes, that's right, it is pay back time. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Sincererly, Shelley (your loving den leader)

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter, 

Bravo! You were a star! Well done. We enjoyed your concert immensely tonight. You did a fabulous job singing your solo song. Sorry if we embarrassed you with all the applause and smiles from the front row. We were just so excited!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Dad

Dear Dad, 

Well, it's official. My oldest son loves the Sunday Comics as much as you do. He can't wait for the weekend newspaper to come. He races to retrieve the "Funnies" before his younger brother gets to them. No, his younger brother can't read them yet, he just wants them to tease his older brother.

 So, now that we are moving overseas again, I don't have the heart to tell my son that there are no "Friday Funnies" in the Middle East (Friday being their Sunday). Although you have managed to find a few political cartoons you enjoy sending to me, I don't think he will understand most of them. For example, how a Saudi man who remarries does not need to replace his wedding picture. ;)

So, what do you say, can you save your comics for him? They would make great filling in one of mom's care packages.

Sincerely, Your Favorite Daughter

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Dad and I enjoyed teaching your class at church today. You were very well behaved in comparison to your classmates. Thanks for setting a good example. However, as you sit there attentively, I worry you are oberving bad behavior that you later replicate at home. I guess I should just be grateful you mind your manners in public. Although I regret to inform you that you will no longer be allowed to chew gum at church until you can keep your gum in your mouth, and not all over your hands and my clothes.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

I feel I need to apologize for disrupting your peaceful Saturday morning in the burbs. I apologize my children were up at 5:45 a.m. with anticipation for our big garage sale. I could only keep them indoors for so long. I felt like it was Christmas morning my kids were so excited. Sorry to cause so much traffic, we sure had a big turn-out. I was pleased even a few of you came to shop, just remember there are no returns.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Children

Dear Children,

We need to set up some guidelines for our garage sale tomorrow. Please be advised of the following:

1. You may not buy each others things (even if you have always wanted your sister's giant stuffed monkey).
2. I agreed to buy donuts for you to sell, not eat. You may each eat one donut and that is it.
3. You may not sell anything that is not yours.
4. Please don't wake me up before 6:00 a.m. asking if we can get started.

Looking forward to tomorrow. You are going to have a genuine American cultural experience!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

I am glad you are looking forward to our garage sale this weekend. I am a little worried about your expectations. I don't think anyone is going to pay top dollar for you old stuffed animals or clothes. No, we can't sell the books we have borrowed from the public library. However, we can sell some of the toys you are hesitant to part with. I say if you have not played with the toy in the last year, it's got to go.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son, 

I enjoyed our conversation about marriage at bedtime tonight. One day you will marry a very sweet girl who will appreciate all your wonderful qualities. I think it is great that you want to only give her high fives, and not kisses. I am glad I am the only girl who doesn't have "cooties" in you opinion.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Playgroup

Dear Playgroup,

Thanks for yet another entertaining morning. There is one matter I feel needs clarification. Yes, the dermatologist did remove a mole from my foot yesterday. No, that does not mean that "doctors like to cut off your freckles" like my son told you. You all seemed very alarmed. Don't worry your sweet little freckles are safe.

Sincerely, Ms. Shelley 

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Congratulations! How exciting to get to sing a solo in the spring concert! I am so proud. So now it looks like you will have some new lyrics to learn. This is a good thing considering tonight you were singing the ingredients of the spray butter at dinner. You sure love to sing. Can't wait for the concert. 

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Hubby and Kids

Dear Hubby and Kids,

Thanks for a wonderful Mother's Day. Hubby, thanks for being chef, dishwasher, gift wrapper, and most important, referee. Kids, I loved your homemade cards and I forgive you for cutting flowers out of the yard. I feel very blessed to be your mom. Thanks for keeping me smiling and laughing every day.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son, 

Congratulations! How thrilling to be chosen MVP of your baseball game today. You have worked hard to get better at batting and today it paid off. Way to go. No, I don't think your success was due to me buying you a Gatorade, I think it was because you really tried hard to do well. But, if it makes you feel "lucky" I will get you a Gatorade for next game too.

Sincerely, Mom 

Dear Mom and Mother-in-law

Dear Mom and Mother-in-law,

Your Mother's Day packages may be getting to you a little late. Yes, they are "in the mail" finally. I did not know that my dear Korean friend at the Global Foods makeshift mailing center could close shop whenever she feels like it. I have felt like I was back overseas the last two days trying to catch her shop open. There must be some Korean holiday this week I do not know about. 

Don't worry, I made the drive to the real post office. It was not as much fun though. I was a little bothered they did not offer me free samples of dried exotic fruits like my Korean friend does, but at least they were open when the sign said they would be. That kind of sums up life in the US to me. Boring, but reliable!

Sincerely, Shelley  

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

Whoa, you were really upset with me this afternoon. I merely asked you to attempt your math homework without assistance. I still do not think my refusal to help was justification for you to confiscate the Mother's Day picture you made me. C'mon now, what are you going to do with a colored picture of flowers and hearts that says "MOM" in big letters? May I please have my picture back?

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Cub Scouts

Dear Cub Scouts,

So glad you had fun today making a Mother's Day gift for your moms. Thanks for being so well behaved. You all listened to the directions and stayed in your seats most of the activity. I can't believe it has taken me the whole year to discover all I needed to do to guarantee good behavior was bribe you with chocolate, and not that much of it! As we say in scouts, "be prepared", next week I will be prepared with plenty of the good stuff again.

Sincerely, Shelley (your cub scout leader for three more weeks)

Dear Community

Dear Community,

Despite the rain, everywhere I went today I was greeted by your friendly faces. On all my errands I had people smiling at me. Next time, it would be kind if just one of you told me I was still wearing my fluorescent sticker from volunteering at the elementary school. I am going to assume you all were just being friendly and not silently laughing. I am honesty surprised no one addressed me by my name since it was starring at you in bold letters. Don't worry, my son informed me of my error. He kindly removed my sticker and stuck it in the middle of his shirt where it still remains.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Tooth Fairy

Dear Tooth Fairy, 

I can't believe you forgot to come. My son was so disappointed after personally pulling out his tooth. You must have been REALLY tired last night to have forgotten. I bet you are getting over a cold too. Now that you have had a day to recuperate from the weekend, let's hope for better results tonight. 

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Congrats on pulling out your loose front tooth tonight. I have never seen a kid so determined to pull out their own tooth. I don't think your tooth was ready to be pulled, that was quite a bit of blood! But, you were very brave and happy to have it out. I am concerned you will be disappointed with what the tooth fairy leaves. I don't think she has personalized hockey jerseys available. It is appropriate that you now look like the hockey player you so badly want to become! You are one tough kid, that is for sure.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Gringos

Dear Gringos,

Feliz Cinco do Mayo! Did you know that Cinco de Mayo is more celebrated in the US than in Mexico?! It is true, when we moved to Mexico I was so excited to celebrate, but when the day arrived there was not a party in sight! This was pretty shocking considering this is a country that has "fiestas" every weekend. Turns out Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican army's 1862 victory over France at the Battle of Puebla during the Franco-Mexican War (yes, that explanation was googled). Not a big deal to most Mexicans. Want to know what day is a big party, Memorial Day! You know, "Day of the Dead". They have mariachi bands and cotton candy at the cemeteries. Go figure.

Today I send a special birthday toast to my sister. She is always one great "fiesta"! I raise my piña-colada in your honor and say, Feliz Cumpleanos Hermana!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

No, I do not know where the Old Maid cards could be. How strange they should disappear when we have been playing that game EVERY free minute. Maybe we could go back to U-NO, it is really fun too. I hope you can move on to a new game soon. So far the saying "out of sight, out of mind" is not proving true for your beloved old maid.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Crafty Sisters

Dear Crafty Sisters,

You both will be so proud of you older sister. Today I finished a project I have been wanting to complete for several years. I organized all of my craft ideas, decorating tips, and recipes in a big three-ring binder! It has categories for all my magazine cut-outs, so now I am completely organized. I have a vague recollection of you two mentioning something online called "Pinterest". I think you said it could help me get ideas organized. Well, good news, I did not even need to use your fancy program. I am all organized and ready to start crafting. I fear some of my ideas are a little out of date. They were cut out of magazines from quite a few years ago. But no worries, everything eventually comes back in style, right? What do you say, should I bring the special binder when I come visit you this summer? It will take up about half my suitcase, but I think it will be worth it!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Greetings to all ten of my blog readers. Just wanted to give a "shout out" to celebrate my 100th post this week. That is right, I have rambled on about insignificant matters 100 times in the last three months. Although my letter to the president of Syria was not insignificant. He really needs to wake up and resign.

Anyway, the ten of you will be happy to hear that today I figured out how to switch my blog back to the old Blogger format. Yeah! I am tech savvy again! I almost threw in the blogging towel this last week. So you can now look forward to another 100 posts. Though I am sure you have far better things you look forward to. Like me, I am looking forward to seeing how my six year old sneaks maple syrup into our church meetings this Sunday. He insists the sacrament bread needs some sort of topping. I'll let you know how that goes.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Walmart

Dear Walmart,

I know I keep saying that we are through. I have decided too many times that your low prices are not worth the hassle and the long lines. Once your lines were so long I had to leave my cart to make it home in time for the school bus. Then, I miss you and decide to make "one last trip". I am sure you are tired of me saying it is the last time we can be together. My threats obviously are not very sincere. I swore today was the very last time I would be shopping with you, and then I got home and saw my forgotten bag of items to be returned. Ugh!

Sincerely, Shelley  

Dear Children

Dear Children,

I am so glad everyone is excited for our upcoming move to Dubai. I want to make sure you all know that tonight your dad was teasing you. No, we will not be living in a two-bedroom desert tent. We will live in a house or apartment. No, we will not be traveling by two camels. I know you were all excited to name our camels. Sorry to disappoint.

Sincerely, Mom 

Dear Children

Dear Children,

We sure had a good time watching old home movies tonight. You each were such sweet babies and toddlers. No, we will not delete any of the family home movies that may have embarrassed you. I am glad you all know the meaning of "blackmail" now. Oldest son, I agree with your question, "Where have all the years gone?"

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Little League Association

Dear Little League Association,

 May I make a small request. I think if the temperature dips below 50 degrees all games should be cancelled. I find it very difficult to be a supportive, cheering parent when I am freezing in the stands. Plus, my children refuse to wear any long-sleeved clothing underneath their given jerseys. It makes me (bundled up in my down coat) feel even colder just looking at them in their short-sleeves and shorts. If you won't cancel games will you at least chastise my children for inadequate clothing?

 Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Let me recap to make sure I have your request correct. There are certain nicknames you no longer want your family to use. These include: Curby, Curbster, Chancho, and Chanchito.

You now want us to exclusively use the following nicknames: Oreo, Foodie, Cookie, Egg, and Tia. I thought I noticed a pattern with the names until the last request. I am a little confused why you want to be called "aunt" in Spanish.

Sincerely, Mom 

Dear Cub Scouts

Dear Cub Scouts,

Thanks for an interesting field trip to the George C. Marshall house yesterday. I am glad you all had fun. I don't think our tour guide was successful in convincing you that the Marshall historic house is not haunted. I think she did get tired of you asking her if the various parts of the house were haunted. I got tired of asking you not to touch things. Once again the several "scrap bowls" you saw throughout the house are called ashtrays. Yes, smoking is disgusting. No, I don't think that ghosts can smoke.

Sincerely, Shelley (your leader for five more weeks)

Dear Classifieds

Dear Classifieds,

I am in need of a personal assistant. I can no longer trust myself to plan my afternoons. Today at six o'clock I needed to be in five places at once. Maybe a personal assistant could tell me what is most important:

1. Finishing up field trip with the Cub Scouts
2. Taking dinner to displaced neighbors
3. Son's baseball game
4. Other son's soccer practice
5. Daughter's honor roll award ceremony

I did accomplish all of the listed activities. I did them all running around like a crazy lady. We were late for all but one of the activities. My husband had a work dinner and could not assist, so I was flying solo on fumes.

What I really need is someone to just say "no" to all future commitments on my calendar. We are moving AGAIN in six weeks and I have no time to prepare. HELP!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear High School Class of '92

Dear High School Class of '92,

 Wow, has it really been twenty years!? I can't hardly believe it. Time flies when you are having fun, eh? I am so glad I can make it to the reunion this summer. Good times. Since most of you are on Facebook I feel there is not going to be a lot of "catching up" to do. So what do you say we just resort back to playing some of the pranks we use to play? Chinese fire-drills, brown grocery bags on our heads at the dance, homemade M.C. Hammer pants, etc. Too bad I didn't hold on to any fluorescent clothes from high school. Who could have known they would come back in style just in time for our twentieth reunion! 

 Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

We need to talk. This hockey obsession is getting a little out of hand. I was glad you found a sport you were so passionate about. However, now it is all you want to talk about. I am still debating if we will watch another NHL game on TV.  It seems in addition to learning about "slap shots" and "icing," you picked up on a few new fighting techniques you are now practicing on your brother. How about we take a little break from hockey? I would really like to reclaim the garage for parking the van. What do you say we resort back to breakdancing? Legos? Really anything but hockey.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Sunday School Teacher

Dear Sunday School Teacher,

 Today, during your class, I was continually nodding my head in agreement with what you were saying. No, I wasn't falling asleep. Alright, I guess I should not lie about church matters. I was nodding off. I am pretty sure you saw me nodding off. Having three kids in different sports on Saturdays equals one tired mother on Sunday. So sorry, next week I will bring a little chocolate to keep myself awake.

 Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Blogger

Dear Blogger,

Just when I am feeling comfortable writing my little blog posts you go and change your format. No, I do not like the upgrades. I am technologically challenged and am now feeling very frustrated. I could not even figure out how to give you this feedback. Hopefully if I bribe my eleven year old daughter, she will give me a tutorial.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

 Wow, you really had a rough day. First you come home from school sick with a cold and allergies. Then, this afternoon your brother accidentally hit you in the head with his bat when you had volunteered to be his catcher. Glad you were able to curl up and watch a movie tonight. I am sure tomorrow will be better, just keep swinging and I will make sure your brother doesn't. 

 Sincerely, Mom

Dear Neighbors

Dear Neighbors, 

Some of you may not know me too well, we moved into the neighborhood just nine months ago. I appreciate the warm smiles and waves you extend daily. We have joked that we feel we are on the Truman Show. 

I feel we have all made the adjustment from apartment living overseas to the "burbs". However, there is one thing that is really perplexing to me. Every week on trash day I am flabbergasted at the things you put out with the trash. I have seen nice coaches, treadmills, mirrors, and all sorts of dressers and desks put out with your garbage. It baffles my mind how you see these things as trash. Are you too busy to list them on Craigslist? You can even list them as a free item for pick-up on your curb. I know you are not putting them on Craigslist, I check it daily for deals.

Some of your things, may or may not, now reside in my home. I am not admitting anything, but there is a reason we have not had a housewarming party.

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear JiffyLube

Dear JiffyLube,

Thank you for seeing me so quickly today. I will remember in the future that rainy days are when you are not busy. I can't thank you enough for resetting my minivan's computer system. Those beeping reminders that I needed an oil change every time I turned on the car were really getting on my nerves. It was like a nagging voice reminding me of my "to do" list when I was in a rush to do something else. Since I feel I am living in my car these days, thanks again. Now, can you do anything about the other three voices I can't turn off in my car (a.k.a. my children)?

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Playgroup

Dear Playgroup,

Thanks for another amusing morning. You always make me smile with your excitement for things such as loose teeth, strange insects, and new sports. I will try to remember to not clean my kitchen floor BEFORE you come next time. In fact, now that the weather is nice, what do you say to a picnic in the backyard next month? I will also remember not to volunteer in your kindergarten classroom the same day as Playgroup.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

I am so glad you are enjoying playing inline hockey. You are getting quite good. Forgive me if I am not yet prepared to buy you all the hockey gear you currently desire. Based on your history you tend to lose interest in things after about four months. Remember your passion for soccer? Then it was cooking, then Star Wars, then bicycles, and lastly it was an intense obsession for anything related to Angry Birds. Considering you have no interest in any of your previous passions, I think I will wait a few more months before I buy any real hockey equipment. For the time being, I think our homemade sticks, pucks, and your bicycle helmet are working just fine.

Sincerely, Mom 

Dear Primary Children at Church

Dear Primary Children at Church,

I very much enjoyed teaching your Primary class at church today. You were a very well behaved group of five year olds. You could give my six year old some pointers. Just wanted to clarify some points from our lesson today on the baptism of Jesus. No, Jesus was not baptized in the river by Mount Vernon (the Potomac). His baptism was in the Jordan River. When Jesus was put under the water I am positive he did not see the Titanic. Hope you learned a thing or two today. Thanks again for being so great!

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter, 

I am very happy you are so enthusiastic to earn some money. Yes, I agree that the older you get the more expensive your desires become. Little knick-knacks at the dollar store are no longer exciting when you see all the cool electronics your friends have. I do believe you that your friends are just given these expensive items by their parents. Sorry, dad and I just don't roll that way. I will happily hand over any of my motherly duties to you (cooking, cleaning, babysitting) for small amounts of moola. If you just focus on accomplishing one or two jobs a day you will reach your goal in a few months. You may want to reconsider my offer to teach your younger brother piano. I know he is difficult to work with, but I will pay you double!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Soccer Coach

Dear Soccer Coach, 

Only one more day before you will meet my youngest son. He is very excited for your first game tomorrow, although he finds it very odd they are going to "perform" without having had a practice. He was very disappointed to learn that the league does not allow goalies at this young age bracket. I apologize in advance if you see him self-appointing himself as team goalie. He has dreamed of being a star goalie, and he will do anything in his power to keep an opponent from scoring. In fact, let me just apologize in advance for any of his actions. He is wild and he is on major steroids for a kidney condition, so feel free to bench him when necessary. 

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Virginia

Dear Virginia,

Are you trying to spite me for loving California so much last weekend? This weather is unbearable. When I left we had temperatures in the 70's. Now this week we are down to the 40's. What gives? I think you are just being cruel. You know I had just put all my kids winter clothes in the tops of their closets. Now I have to be the "mean mom" who won't let them wear shorts and flip-flops. We have three games to attend this Saturday.  I promise to stop talking about how much I miss California if you will warm up just a little.

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

I am so sorry you were lost in the cafeteria conversation at school today. I had no idea you did not know what "Peeps" are. I have never cared for the marshmallow treats, thus they have never been included in my Easter candy stash. Don't worry, this is our year to reacclimate to US culture. I went out today and bought you Peeps. Now, how about I reward you one Peep for 10 minutes of piano practice? I may have also picked up some Reese's peanut butter eggs, please don't tell your dad.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Grandma and Grandpa

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Thank you so much for tending the kiddies while we were away. Our children had a marvelous time and are very sad that you had to go back home today. I was relieved to receive your report of our children's excellent behavior. However, after you left, my daughter gave us a different report. Seems our angelic boys were not always well behaved. Thanks for focusing on the positive, I am so glad you love them unconditionally!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Grandma and Grandpa

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Your nine year old grandson has requested I ask you to please refrain from showering for the rest of your time while visiting. He feels he is "missing out" on time with you while you are getting ready each morning. I have told him this may be an unfair request, and he needs to give you a little bit of space. Sorry if he is smothering you, he just loves you so much! See you tomorrow, if we choose to return to our crazy children.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Facebook

Dear Facebook,

Thank you for making me feel so loved on my birthday yet another year. I appreciate you reminding all of my friends and family that it is my special day. To think just a few years ago my birthday could come and go with minimal recognition. Now I am showered with well wishes. 

So, I have to say that I do not believe the research that claims you make people feel bad about themselves. Today you have me feeling great. Don't Facebook users know you just have to block the posts from people who's lives  are so perfect it makes you jelous? Works for me.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Mexico

Dear Mexico,

Hola! Remeber me? I am sure you remember my unruly children. So glad to be back. You have had a lot of drama in your life since we moved away. Swine flu, drug wars, etc. Glad to find you in one piece. Forgive me if my Spanish is rusty, I have been focusing on Arabic the last few years. I hope I can accomplish all I want to in my one day with you. Mostly my "to do" list is food. Will you please point me to the best restaurant where I can enjoy ceviche, carne en su jugo, and tortas in one stop? Gracias!

Con Amor, Shelley

Dear Youngest Sister

Dear Youngest Sister,

I am so sad you are not coming on the cruise with the rest of us. I can't believe  at 27 weeks pregnant they won't let you on the boat! I still think you should have claimed to be caring a beach ball. I admire your desire to be honest. I  need to follow the "letter of the law" a little more, instead of the "spirit of the law" I usually rely on. We will miss you. I understand you are going to come to the dock to see us off. Should we do our bon voyage Love Boat style? Streamers? Bubbly? What do you say? 

Sincerely, Shelley (your oldest and favorite sister)

Dear Grandma and Grandpa

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Thanks for taking the kids on a bike ride today. They loved it, especially the stop for ice cream. So sorry you got lost. If it makes you feel better I got a lot done while you were all gone. Glad you are here, spring break just got that much better (meaning the children's behavior is so much better).

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear District of Columbia

Dear District of Columbia,

Why is it we can't visit your wonderful monuments and museums without receiving some sort of citation? First you send us a ticket for running a red light, which we have no recollection of running. That citation was mailed to our old APO address in Amman, Jordan. By the time we received the ticket it had a hefty $200. late fee! Then today we received a parking ticket for a meter that we paid in full. Are you just out to get us? I am beginning to think so. We did track down the officer who gave us the citation due to a "faulty meter" and she said there was nothing she could do once a ticket had been issued. Is that really true? Forgive me if I do not visit your fine city anytime soon, but I feel I can't afford to do so!

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Children

Dear Children, 

You have been on spring break for four days now. Are you really going to call me an "angry werewolf" already? We have six more days to go, let's try to remain civil for a few more days. Grandma and grandpa will be here soon. I promise to not make my angry werewolf face if you promise to not fight with each other. Deal?

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

I am so glad you like holidays as much as me. April Fool's Day is the perfect holiday for you. You love jokes and you love a reason to have fun. I hope you didn't mind all the jokes were on you this year. I like the new arrangement of your bedroom furniture compliments of your dad and sister. They even short-sheeted your bed, which will maybe keep you from growing so much! Glad we had the last laugh. Everyone was so excited to see you finally eat eggs. I think our peach halves in yogurt were good pseudo eggs over-easy.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Grandma and Grandpa

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,

Wow, your grandkids are very excited for your visit this week. I hope you come well rested, cause it is spring break and the kids are ready to go! Thanks again for tending so we can get a little break. The kids keep asking me when we are leaving. I don't know who is looking forward to a temporary separation more, us or them! I hope the kids are good for you. I will teach you all the best time-out places for your angelic grandsons. Good luck and God Bless!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Children

Dear Children, 

Saturday chores did not go as well as I had hoped this morning. I feel they were a little counterproductive. One of my favorite sayings in Spanish is "negocio redondo" meaning a circular negotiation that has no end. That is how I felt this morning. You all were working so hard, but we weren't accomplishing much! Next Saturday let's be sure we close the vacuum insert so that the dust isn't just being moved around the rooms. And I will be sure you have window cleaner, not bleach bathroom cleaner, before I sent you off to do the windows and mirrors.  I will give you the benefit of the doubt that your acts were not intentional, this time.

Sincerely, Mom (aka your Saturday morning boot-camp sergeant)

Dear New Friend,

Dear New Friend,

Thanks again for inviting me to your house for lunch today. I really enjoyed meeting your Middle Eastern mother-in-law. Please thank her again for the mini-cooking lesson. Her lentil soup and fattoush salad were so yummy. I was so excited to have her recipes that I already went to the grocery store and bought all the ingredients. Tonight my kids watched the Muppets movie while I spent the evening chopping away. I must say, your mother-in-law made it look a lot easier than it is! Tell her I appreciated her letting me practice my Arabic with her. I was so happy she only looked at me funny twice as I attempted to speak Arabic. That is improvement!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Cub Scouts

Dear Cub Scouts,

So glad you all had fun at scouts the other day. I am happy you liked my game, and I am pleased I found a good use for my family's mismatched odd socks. I didn't know it would be so much fun to play dodge ball with old socks filled with baking flour! I liked that it was easy to tell when you had been hit, there was no missing those white powder marks on your scout uniforms. Tell your moms I am sorry you got so covered in flour. Don't worry about the black suburban parked nearby. I went and cleaned off all our sock marks after you left. It did look as if the vehicle had been in a "drug bust gone wrong".

Sincerely, Shelley (your Cub Scout leader for seven more weeks, not that I am counting)

Dear Neighbors

Dear Neighbors, 

Thanks for taking me to lunch today. It was a very revealing afternoon. All year I have thought our neighborhood looks like Wisteria Lane, and now I find out it is Wisteria Lane! Wow, the stories you told. I had no idea. Scandals, embezzlement, arrests, affairs, and a redhead in a red convertible Ferrari. My two hours with you were better than T.V. We must seem really boring compared to some of the previous neighbors you have had. Maybe when we move out things will get spicy again. Keep in touch if they do!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Oreo

Dear Oreo ( a.k.a. Youngest Son),

I think your self-proclaimed nickname is growing on me. Dad is right, you are hard on the outside, but a softy in the middle. I thought it was so sweet today that the little girl next door invited you on a walk with her dogs. She knows how much you like dogs. I should tell her the true way to win you over is dogs and food! I am glad you liked walking her dogs. I am sorry you thought the neighbor girl talked too much. I don't know how you can "turn off your ears" the next time she comes calling. You will have to endure a little chit-chat to be with her great dogs.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Continental

Dear Continental, 

I have never been put on hold for 45 minutes before. Wow, your merger must not be going as well as you had hoped. I was shocked that when you finally did answer my call I was put on hold for another 20 minutes while you made a simple change. I wish I could put my kids on hold for that long. They were also not happy that I was occupied with a phone call for so long. Good luck getting things more in order. I hope my upcoming flight with you goes better than my current expectations.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Children

Dear Children,

I am so glad you liked the piña colada smoothies I made tonight. They were yummy, huh? You probably don't know that I was famous for my piña coladas in college. I'm sorry there wasn't enough for you all to have seconds. I can make them again soon. I am feeling guilty about one little thing. Remember how I said the smoothies were green because they had kiwi in them. Well, they were actually green due to a few handfuls of spinach. Now, before you get too upset, remember how much you liked the yummy green smoothies. Just because I snuck a little healthy green in should not change your opinion. If I call them lucky green leprechaun leaves can we still add them to future smoothies?

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Stylish Friend

Dear Stylish Friend,

My daughter is telling me that it is "in style" to wear shoes that resemble slippers right now. Is this true? If it is, that is fabulous news. Now, do I have to go buy these special slipper shoes? Can't I just wear my already broken in house slippers? I really don't see a difference, but I know you are more aware of fashion norms. I did wear my slippers to volunteer at the elementary school the other day, but that was completely by accident. I was running late and forgot to put my shoes on. Come to think of it, I didn't get any funny looks. I think I am good to go (in fur-lined bliss).

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son, 

I found it amusing at the skate park this morning that you thought you could skate and play inline hockey as well as your friend. May I remind you that you are a beginner and he has been playing since he was three? Hold on to that confidence. If you already believe you are "awesome", you will probably eventually reach your perception. Now, how can we pass on a little of your self-confidence to your brother??

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Whoa, could we be more excited to see the Hunger Games tomorrow? I am so glad you convinced me to read the series last fall. I know I should have paced myself a little slower so that we weren't reading the third book at the same time. I am sorry I was not better about sharing the only copy of the book with you. Sharing has never been my strong suit. In fact, maybe we should get separate popcorn tomorrow. Can't wait!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Third Grade Teachers

Dear Third Grade Teachers,

Congratulations on a successful Ancient Civilizations Celebration at school today. My youngest son and I enjoyed volunteering at your big event very much. Your decorations were superb, the games and crafts were a big hit, and the food brought in by parents was quite a spread. Sorry my son ate so much, I promise I fed him before we came. He just really loves pita and hummus, actually he loves anything edible.

May I make a recommendation? Next year hold the activity in the afternoon. I was surprised your activity started at 7:45 a.m. I felt bad for you when I left at 10:30 a.m. and you still had four more hours with very wound up students. It has to be quite stressful for you to start your day off with such a big activity. As a mom it was quite stressful for me to have celebration food prepared this morning while trying to get myself and three kids ready for the day at 7:30 a.m. I think I have lived overseas too long, only in the U.S. do activities start before noon. I am sure you have your reasons, although I can't think of any.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Sons

Dear Sons,

Why do we keep having the same conversation when the outcome is not going to change. I thought I should put in writing all the reasons we will not be getting a dog right now.

1. Our kind friends who have let us rent their beautiful home this year have asked us not to have pets.
2. We are about to make another international move. Did you know it can cost close to $1,000 to fly a pet half way across the world.
3. You do not clean up after yourselves, who would clean up after a dog?
4. I fear you would quickly get bored with the dog, just like you do with any new toy.

And, the most important reason:
5. You keep forgetting your sister is allergic to dogs! I know you have asked if she can go to college early, but it is a bit soon considering she is eleven.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son, 
Thanks for the good talk tonight. I am sorry you feel that life is not fair. I know it may seem that your older sister has more fun activities that she is invited to than you. I know you also think it is unfair that your younger brother only has to go to school for half of the day. Things won't always be this way. Let me remind you yet again, that life is not fair. If you could accept that concept at age nine, you will be so much happier. Try not to compare yourself to others. Be happy for what you have and always remember that you are loved and very blessed.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

I can't believe you took a nap at church today. You curled up in my lap and you were asleep within a few minutes. You must really not feel well. I hope your meds help with the swelling soon.

I think the last time you took a nap was at least three years ago. I have to admit, it was quite nice to have you cuddling with me today. You are always trying to be so big. As sad as I am that you are sick again, I would love for you to cuddle with me anytime. And I may have given you a few small kisses while you slept. I know you hate kisses, but I could not resist. Sorry I won't "take them back", no matter how mad you get (which is pretty mad since you are on heavy steroids).

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Mad Scientists

Dear Mad Scientists,

Wow, I never knew one dad and two boys could have so much fun with dry ice. I think that five dollar piece of ice kept you all entertained for several hours. One request, can you please not do an experiment during dinner again? As cool as it was, I had a hard time eating my dinner with vapor covering the table. Keep up the experimenting. You mad scientists kept me from going mad on a busy Saturday.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Coaches

Dear Softball Coach,

My daughter is very excited to play ball this spring. Thanks for getting her on the same team as her friend. I was relieved I will have some carpooling options. My daughter is quite athletic, but on occasion you will probably find her more concerned with how her hair and clothes look than the game.


Dear Baseball Coach, 

My oldest son is not really aware he is playing baseball this spring. Yes, I have told him several times, but I don't think it has registered. I am a little nervous it is going to be too intense for him. Don't you think four practices within eight days is a bit much? My son can hit the ball, but I can't promise that he will be paying attention in the outfield. He tends to look for "treasures" on the ground wherever he goes. Hopefully his discovered treasure will be the ball on occasion!

Dear Soccer Coach,

My youngest son will be joining your team this spring, so watch out! This will be his first experience playing organized sports. He has wanted to be on team for about three years now. I will warn you he is quite good. You should  just let him loose when you are prepared to see some serious action. I can not be held responsible for any crazy behavior he may exhibit. Did I mention he is on steroids? Don't worry, it is for his kidney condition. I think it will be to your advantage.


Dear Husband,

I am sorry I signed up all three kids for spring sports. I know you told me not to, but I had a moment of weakness since this is our year living in the U.S. I am already regretting the decision, so you can withhold your "I told you so".


Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Bravo! Well done! The play tonight was wonderful. Your brothers even enjoyed the show! They were a little upset there was no popcorn to buy, and I had neglected to bring them snacks.

You looked like a natural up there on stage. You sang beautifully and your dancing was superb. Watch out world, a star is born! Looking forward to two more shows!

Love, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son, 

I am sorry I can't always answer all your questions. Here are my best attempts:


 I just don't know if Jesus and the tooth fairy are friends. 

I don't think Jesus knows if your loose tooth will be out before the end of kindergarten.

I am pretty sure that Adam and Eve did not have Legos. I agree, that is really sad.

I wish we could ask Grandma Carter to send us a postcard from heaven. You are right, it would be great to see what heaven looks like.
 
Love, Mom

Dear Pharmacist

Dear Pharmacist,

Thank you for being so kind yesterday. I am sorry I shed a few tears. I am just feeling really depressed since my son has had a relapse of his kidney condition. I hate putting him back on these strong medications that make him very hard to live with. Thank you for being so sympathetic, especially after his doctor was not. You must be a mom. I could just tell. I am glad you agree that it is difficult to spend $120.00 in co-pays on medications that make my sons kidneys better, but make his temperament unbearable. Especially when we could buy the same medications overseas for around $5.00 each. Thanks again for making me feel better. 

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Elementary School

Dear Elementary School,

As your partner in education, I must give you some constructive criticism. Planning class picture day for a Monday is a bad idea. Planning class picture day for the Monday after daylight savings is a really bad idea. Not only did I forget about picture day, but I send one boy to school in a track suit, and the other in his favorite Star Wars t-shirt. At least their hair was combed, which to my credit, it always is.

My oldest son was very concerned when I woke him up early this morning for school due to daylight savings. I assured him that just because the days are longer, this does not mean that the school day is also longer. He did not believe me. If he had a scowel on his face today it is because he thinks you are pulling a "fast one" on him. I told him I felt the same way with the picture schedule.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear American School of Dubai

Dear American School of Dubai,

Thank you for finally giving us the news that our children have been reserved spots for the upcoming school year. Wow, I am really exhausted from the lengthy application process. I think your application and requirements are more  involved than a college application. I still can't believe it was necessary for you to have letters of recommendation for incoming elementary school students.

 I will admit I am a little nervous for the entrance exams my sons must take in August for final admittance. I promise my children are functioning on grade level, but what if they have test anxiety? How well do they need to do? Just a little FYI, I am a pretty accomplished baker. Mint brownies are one of my specialties. I may be bringing a few with me to the exam. Oh wait, it is going to be during Ramadan. Scratch that. Will you take an IOU? 

Sincerely, Shelley (an educator who is NOT capable of homeschooling)

Dear Stranger Dining at Chili's

Dear Stranger Dining at Chili's,

Did you enjoy your dinner tonight? You seemed to really be enjoying yourself sitting there at the bar with your boyfriend/spouse. My husband and I were enjoying our dinner, and then we were given a free dinner show by you. I commend you for having the confidence to wear a thong at your age. I would roughly guess you are around 60 years old. The thong was a beautiful cobalt blue color, very bright and hard to miss. It may just be me, but if I ever wear a thong I don't think I will do it when I am overweight and wearing very low jeans. But time will tell, I have eaten my words before, tonight I just couldn't eat my dinner without a smile.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Middle School Music Teacher

Dear Middle School Music Teacher,

Thank you for giving my daughter this opportunity to be in the school play. She is so excited for the performances next week. I am a little embarrassed to admit I can't remember what it was I signed up to help with for the play. I remember volunteering for something on your form, but then I returned it to you without writing down my given task. I have not heard from you, so hopefully my assignment has not already expired. Please don't hold my irresponsible behavior against my daughter, unlike me, she is very organized and reliable. She gets that from her dad, but please don't tell him I am admitting it.

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,
 
I am sorry I mixed up your sandwich with your brothers. You know I am half awake in the mornings, so there are bound to be mistakes. Was it really necessary to tape the sandwich in it's baggie to the front door? After returning from walking your brother to the bus I thought it was a package delivery notification. You can imagine my disappointment when I discovered it was in fact my "scarlet letter" there for the whole neighborhood to see. Don't worry, it won't happen again. Starting tomorrow I am resigning from my position as sandwich maker.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

I am glad you got a kick out of watching me exercise this morning. The dancing I was doing is called Zumba, not "piñata dancing". Did I look like a piñata? I am a little concerned why you called it that. I know I am not the most coordinated dancer, but you do not need to continually remind me that I do not look like the lady on the T.V. I think next time I want to dance I will wait until you are at school.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Playgroup

Dear Playgroup,
 
Thank you for a very entertaining morning. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation about religion and Lent. I am impressed that one of you is participating in Lent this year. That would be hard to give up desserts and your Xbox. As for the rest of you, I don't think "lending your toys" is really participating in Lent, even if the toys were "lent" to someone. 

 I apologize again I did not have time to comb Colin's hair before you arrived. I am glad it was a source of amusement for you. Your comments have confirmed my conviction that he can't go out without having his hair styled in the mornings. I agree that he looks like Chewbaca, or a "dirty clown" (although I am not sure what a dirty clown looks like exactly). 

See you next month!

Sincerely, Ms. Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Thank you for leaving a nicely colored picture on the floor today warning us that the floor was wet. You did a great job depicting a person falling on a slippery floor in your picture. Next time do you think you could just clean up your spill? I think it would have taken less time to clean up the spill than it did to go into the office and draw your picture. Just a thought.

Love, Mom

Dear Girl Scouts

Dear Girl Scouts of America,

Wow, everywhere we went this weekend, there you were! My husband and I decided to give up sugar this month. We though March would be the perfect month to try to be healthier. We have no birthdays in our family in March, and there are no major holidays with any sweet temptations. How could I forget about you? We have been living outside of the U.S. for the last few years and it seems we completely forgot about Girl Scout cookies. I love the Thin Mints and the Somoas. I usually am a big supporter of your worthy cause. I know I could buy cookies now and save them for later. However, I know myself, there is no way I would not partake of their goodness immediately. So, are any of you willing to wait and sell me a few boxes in April? I could even pay you now, and if you could just hold on to them for a month that would be great!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Thanks for completing your Saturday chores with minimal complaining. I know you were excited to get to clean the kitchen because you thought it would be the easiest job. I am sorry you were disappointed upon learning everything that job entailed. Yes, the stove top is "gross" and a little hard to clean. I am glad you were able to complete the task even though I was not able to provide you with the gas mask you requested. I have never thought a gas mask was necessary for cleaning, but now that you have recommended it I think it would be nice to have when cleaning the kids' bathroom.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Little Gym

Dear Little Gym,

Thank you for wearing out my two sons for an hour once a week. I appreciate  your patience with them despite their rowdiness. Just a little reminder, when the class breaks into pairs my sons should never by partners. They can't seem to stand next to each other without poking and annoying one another. I know they should be old enough to refrain, but they just can't resist no matter what the threatened consequence. This is why I drive a vehicle with enough space for strategic seating. Trust me on this one, I have tried everything.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Fellow Jogger

Dear Fellow Jogger,

What a beautiful day at the park today. You seemed to enjoy soaking up the sunshine as well. I feel I owe you an explanation for my strange behavior while exercising. There is a really good reason I can only jog three-fourths the way around the loop. The only way I am able to get in my workout is if I completely avoid the playground area where my son is playing. If I pass right by him he has the sudden urge to need something like a drink, food, a toy, etc. However, if I make a quick 180 degree turn before approaching the playground he sees I am still exercising and does not ask for things. Just trust me, we have a good thing going, we are both happy even if I do look somewhat ridiculous.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Macy's Sales Associate

Dear Macy's Sales Associate,

Thank you so much for helping my husband and I this afternoon. I know we took a lot of your time. Just be glad we came while our kids were in school. I was so happy that my hubby finally found some dress shoes that he liked. We had been to several stores before we came to you. My husband does not enjoy shopping, something I can't comprehend. So you can imagine how happy we were to finally find the right shoes, and you can picture our disappointment tonight when we discovered we came home with two left shoes. I tried to tease him about having two left feet. It wasn't too funny because he is a great dancer, just not a good shopper.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Mothers of Boys

Dear Mothers of Boys,

I have noticed something peculiar over the last year. Most young boys are going to school without combing their hair these days. I first noticed this when I began working in the international school in Amman last year. My students were of many different nationalities, yet they all had one thing in common, their messy hair! Then last summer we moved here to Washington, DC and it is the same scenario. Every morning my sons are the only ones at the bus stop with wet, combed hair. I asked one of my more "style conscious" friends and she told me that "bed head" is very hip right now. Do you all agree? I just don't know if I can do it. My boys have really wild hair in the mornings. Maybe you are all just styling your sons hair to look like bed head? Please advise, I am very perplexed by this issue.

Sincerely, Shelley and her styled sons

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

I am so glad you have taken an interest in science experiments. I am glad you liked looking through the various science books I have. Those books have lots of neat ideas, my students have used them to find some great experiments. I do not recall seeing any experiments in my books that involve freezing water balloons. Are you sure you found that idea in my books? If you are experimenting how much it hurts when a frozen balloon falls out of the freezer onto a barefoot, let me say it hurts a lot.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Children

Dear Daughter,
No matter how MANY TIMES  you ask me for the same thing, my answer will remain the same.


Dear Youngest Son,
No matter how LOUDLY you ask me for the same thing, my answer will remain the same.


Dear Oldest Son,
If there is ever anything you want to ask me please don't hesitate. You may not like my answer, but you can still ask. Is my potential answer the reason you never ask for ANYTHING?

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

Thank you so much for inviting my son to your son's birthday party. He had a wonderful time. He thoroughly enjoyed the pirate theme with all the fun games, food, and especially the treasure hunt.

Once again, I am so sorry I brought him to the party an hour before the designated starting time. I am so embarrassed that I only looked at the invitation once and mistook the time. Thank you for being so gracious and letting him feel welcome while you were still getting ready for the big event. He enjoyed helping with the party preparations and was happy to be the first to arrive.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

I know. You may not realize I saw you at the park with your secret. Your wife would be so disappointed and upset if she found out. 

It was just a few months ago you had your heart scare. Your wife said the doctor told you to lose weight and get in shape. Your wife has changed the way she cooks and I thought you were exercising every day. But there you were hiding in the park's pavilion with your McDonald's bag. I know your wife thought you were exercising. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. Change is hard. Hang in there and try to do better. We all have setbacks. I'm cheering for you.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Staples

Dear Staples,
 
My husband wishes to thank you for offering free bulk shredding during the month of February. He appreciates you giving me a reason to go through the boxes of old documents I have neglected in our garage. I have spent the month going through old bank account statements, pay stubs, house docs, etc. My husband and I have enjoyed reminiscing over how little money we had when we were first married and lived off my modest teacher's salary.

Today I was feeling optimistic that I would finish this nightly project by the end of the month. You can imagine my surprise this afternoon when your sales associate told me your free shredding is not over until the end of March! Being a natural procrastinator, I was not pleased. I feel like I was tricked into doing something earlier than I would have. I'll get over it.

Sincerely, Shelley the Shredder

Dear Elementary School Librarian

Dear Elementary School Librarian,

Hi, I am the mother of one of your third grade students. I was just wondering how closely you track the books your students check out. You see, my son brings home the same library books every other week. He and a buddy have a little system going, probably unbeknownst to the library staff. They are both a little obssessed with rocks and minerals, so they each check out three books on rocks and minerals each week. Then, the next week they return their books and bring home the friend's books they just returned. So, according to my son, they have monopolized your library's six books on their favorite subject the entire school year.

Just thought you should know.

Sincerely, Shelley (mother of the mineral menace)

Dear Catholic Friends

Dear Catholic Friends,

Happy Fat Tuesday (I hope this is something you say)! I know a few of you are heading to church tonight to sing and feast on pancakes. The combination of music and pancakes sounds like a wonderful event.

Over the years I have witnessed many of you make sacrifices during the Lent period. I have watched you give up T.V., Diet Coke, Facebook, chocolate, and other sacrifices. I have always been impressed with your steadfastness and dedication, and I have been there with several of you when it is a hard day and you have wanted that chocolate bar or drink.

So, let's get down to my question. Let's say I want to participate in Lent this year. Do I have to necessarily be Catholic? I have something in mind, but I am still deciding. The duration is until Easter, and Sundays are free days, correct? I am excited to give this a try. If I do not hear from any of you that my decision is completely offensive, I think I will proceed.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Urgent Care Doctor

Dear Urgent Care Doctor,

I know the quick test said I do not have strep throat, but it has been two more days and I am still feeling really crummy. I appreciate how quickly your office saw me the other day, but perhaps it was a little too quick and we missed something? Please advise, I can only use the "I'm sick" routine so long with my family. At this point I will take any diagnosis that assists me in acquiring additional sympathy. Also, can you write me a note to get me out of my cub scout duties this week? That would be great!

Sincerely, Soar Throat Shelley

Dear Children

Dear Children,

I am so glad you all enjoyed ice skating yesterday. Isn't it ironic that you were all scared to try ice skating and then you all loved it? I know we have not had the snow we hoped for, but at least we got to try out one winter sport.

Let me just make a few clarifications for your benefit.

1. Yes, the ice has to be slippery. I realize you would fall less if it were not slippery, but I am sorry to say ice is always slippery.
2. No, you don't have to wear a helmet like when you ride your bike. I was not neglectful by not bringing your helmet, it really is not required.
3. The vehicle that cleans the ice is called a zambodie, not a zucchini.
4. The sport we saw on the opposite rink is called hockey, not "hugging". Although I can see why you thought it was called hugging, when they are knocking into each other it does kind of look like hugging. Maybe we should suggest a name change. Your cousins play hockey, let's run it by them.

I can clearly see we need to spend more time this year familiarizing you with U.S. culture.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

I am starting to think I had too high of expectations of our year in Washington D.C. Since you gave this area several big snow storms the last few years, I anticipated the same this year. Unfortunately, I got my three kids really excited for our year here. I told them we would be sledding, building snowmen, and possibly they would learn to ski.

I realize it is a bit hypocritical to be asking you for snow, since I have spent my whole life in pursuit of blissful heat. However, I find it cruel that you gave Amman, Jordan snow this weekend and we are without snow again! We lived in Amman the last two years and we never came close to snow. Now come on, these few teases you have given us this winter are just not sufficient. I am getting a bit desperate since we are moving to Dubai this summer. I don't want my kids only childhood memories of playing in the snow to be at the Dubai indoor ski resort with man made snow! So, what do you say? Do you mind giving us a little white love?

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Sons

Dear Sons,

I enjoyed going to your school tonight for Literacy Night. That was very fun to listen to stories being read by your teachers, principal, and librarian. I was so impressed to see you both can sit still for long periods of time. This gives me new hope for dinner time!

I was happy to see you filled your bags with books to bring home from the "book swap". I was disappointed to see you brought home lots of the books we had donated! The idea of a "swap" is to come home with different books. I had no idea you were attached to the books that have been gathering dust on your shelves. I'm sorry I tried to give them away "to kids you don't even know."

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Cub Scout

Dear Cub Scout,

Thank you for your enthusiasm at scouts the other night. I am so glad you enjoyed the discussion about religions. I am sorry I could not answer all of your questions. I can not say for certain whether you had a mustache in heaven before you were born. I join you in hoping that God will allow you to keep your anticipated mustache when you die.

Sincerely, Shelley (your Cub Scout Leader)

Dear Lego Enthusiast

Dear Lego Enthusiast,

Thank you so much for your help at Toys'R'Us today. I am so glad you were shopping for Minifigures at the same time. Let me commend you again for your excellent skills in determining which Lego figure was inside each foil bag. My kids were so thrilled I was able to acquire all the figures they were hoping for. They were all anxious to do jobs after school today to start earning them.

I again promise that if I ever meet your wife I will not tell her where we met. I am sorry she thinks you have a Lego addiction. May I just say though, there are other sound investments out there. I really wish you would rethink your decision to not let your son play with your $50,000. Lego collection. I think it would be ok if he opened a few of the boxes, since they are considered by some to be TOYS. 

Anyway, thanks again for your help. My six year old is convinced you must have x-ray vision. I told him that you just really love Legos!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

Happy Anniversary! Wow, 40 years of marriage! What an accomplishment. I promised to not tease you for getting married on Valentine's Day this year, no matter how cheesy I think it is. If I were not tired from helping out with two class parties at the elementary school today I would write a list of the 40 things I admire about your relationship. Let's just go with four instead, sound good?

1. I admire how much you respect one another.
2. I admire you for finding new hobbies to enjoy together.
3. I admire the fact that you always invested in your relationship and took trips together every year.
4. I admire that you have dedicated a large part of your lives to serving others. I feel this is the biggest key to your success.

So, happy anniversary. I cannot wait to celebrate in April. Thanks for taking hubby and me on a cruise because we are your favorites. My siblings keep telling me they are invited as well, is this true??

Sincerely, Shelley (your favorite child)

Dear Sister

Dear Sister,

Congratulations on your television debut! How exciting it was today to see you on the Nate Berkus show. I've always thought you were extremely creative and now the whole world got to see a small sample of your talent. You should be very house proud! I'm proud, and I won't admit I did not know who Nate was a few months ago.

Sincerely, Shelley (Your favorite big sister)

Dear Friends of my Daughter

Dear Friends of my Daughter,

Thank you for being such sweet, caring friends to my daughter. She is very fortunate to have you all in her life. I appreciate you being there for her.

You may not be aware, that unlike all of you, my daughter does not have a cell phone. You are in fact calling and texting me, her mother, several times a day. As much as I have enjoyed trying to decipher your coded texts, if you could please limit the amount of texts you send it would be greatly appreciated. No, unfortunately my daughter will not be getting her own cell phone until she can pay for it herself. I do not foresee this happening anytime in the near future.

Sincerely, Ms Shelley (the MOM of your BFF)

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

I enjoyed making Valentine cards with you tonight. I did not think it would take "so long" to make them. I am sorry you felt like an elf at the North Pole on an assembly line. You just needed to trust in my production method. I agree, it would have been much easier to color in those small hearts if you had "tiny elf hands". I apologize again for getting carried away with the glitter, but I know your classmates are going to love the cards.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Children

Dear Children, 

This is a kind reminder that on the weekends dad and I place the laundry basket blocking our bedroom door as a reminder to you that we will be sleeping in. There is no reason for you to wake us up at 6:00 am on the weekend. I would love for you to tell me that it did NOT snow anytime after 7:00 am.

Sincerely, mom 

Dear Bashar Al-Assad

Dear Bashar Al-Assad,

Enough already. REALLY, enough! History does not need to repeat itself. Be better than your father. My six year old son watched CNN with me and asked, "Mom, why would someone bomb a school. There are no bad guys inside there." ENOUGH.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

I am so glad you are excited for Valentine's Day. I agree, the quarter would make a great "official coin of Valentine's Day". Yes, it does look like the eagle is holding Cupid's arrows and the olives from the olive branch could definitely represent round candies. As you pointed out, the eagle is looking at the candy because when choosing between love and candy, it is an easy choice!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,
Wow! I mean really, wow! I knew you were talented at art, but wow! Your chalk drawing is outstanding. Thanks for trying the art class. Sorry there were no other boys in the class. Thanks for selling me your drawing for just $2.00, I promise to always cherish it.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Sons

Dear Sons,

Thank you for playing outside for two hours today. I am so glad you enjoyed exploring the stream behind the house. Congratulations on assembling quite an amazing display of "treasures" from the stream. 

Boys, next time could you please not place your treasures on the driveway behind the wheels of our car? Thanks. I would hate for any of your remarkable findings (or a tire) to be damaged. I am also glad I swerved just enough to miss hitting your giant sword (rusty old pipe) this afternoon.

Sincerely, mom

Dear Matthew Broderick

Dear Matthew Broderick,

LOVED the commercial tonight. It was definitely my favorite during the SuperBowl. Honestly, I don't know what you were advertising, but you sure brought back good memories. Between you and Madonna, the night was a big blast from the past. 

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Children

Dear Children,

I am so glad you had a nice time at the car show with dad today. It sounds like you saw some amazing vehicles. I am sorry our plain white minivan seems boring now. Remember the Swagger Wagon YouTube videos? You thought our van was pretty cool after watching those videos. Yes, I agree, our van would be cooler if it was a Transformer. Yes, covering our minivan with giant decals would be "totally awesome".

Love, Mom

Dear Fathers of my Cub Scouts

Dear Fathers of my Cub Scouts,

Congratulations on a great Pinewood Derby. Tonight was a lot of fun, I really enjoyed seeing the cars you made. You did a great job turning a block of wood into something spectacular. Don't be disappointed if you did not win, the Derby is just to have fun with your friends and make something you can be proud of.

Sincerely, Shelley (your son's Cub Scout Leader)
 

Dear Sons

Dear Sons,

Happy Groundhog's Day! I again apologize that I neglected to inform you about this "awesome" holiday while we lived overseas. I had no idea it would be so exciting for you. I am sorry you were disappointed to wake up to no decorations this morning.

Here are my answers to your many inquiries.

No, I do not think the groundhog has been trained.
No, I do not think he had access to the weather on the Internet.
No, I do not think there is a "groundhog tracker" like there is for Santa.
No, I do not think we should go look for groundhogs today.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Hubby

Dear Hubby,
 This is your official notice that Valentine's Day is two weeks away. I know you have informed me you can't be held responsible for any holiday gifts if I have not given you at least two weeks notice.

I am very aware that this is your least desirable half of the calendar year.  You have to worry about Christmas, Valentine's Day, my birthday, Mother's Day, and then our anniversary! Whoa, I am tired just from typing all those holidays. Just remember that then you get six months off!

Despite my high expectations, given that I am a "gift person", I realize I have no need to worry since you have been consistent and have showered me with many fine gifts over the years.  Not only your thoughtful gifts, but also your unwavering dedication to our family shows me how much you care for the kids and me. But I especially appreciate the gifts.

Sincerely, Your Valentine

XoXxxoOOxo
(big kiss, little hug, big kiss, two little kisses, little hug, two big hugs, little kiss, little hug)

Dear Bus Driver

Dear Kindergarten Bus Driver,
Thank you for bringing me joy every Monday-Friday at 11:20 am. Thank you for always being prompt and cheerful. I especially appreciate you waving goodbye to me daily since my son is too busy with his buddies to do so anymore. I will try to limit the number of kisses I blow now that you, alone, are aware of me standing there.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear New Year's Resolutions

Dear New Year's Resolutions,
Wow, where did the month of January go? I am sorry I am just now getting around to you. In my defense, I already exercise every day. However, I am ready to talk if you are. I would like to resolve to drink less diet soda and consume fewer treats. Notice I did not say no treats. That would be impossible considering we are back in the U.S. and surrounded by inexpensive delicacies. Ok, so Hershey chocolate may not be considered a delicacy, but it certainly is inexpensive. So I will try to consume less until February. I can't possibly skip out on conversation hearts and sugar cookies. So why don't we just stick to me giving up diet soda. Great!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Family

Dear family,
I am so glad you liked Sunday dinner tonight. I must say quesadillas and seven-layer dip was not a traditional dinner, but it was yummy. I am glad the dip was a success. Remember when I tried to make seven-layer dip in Jordan last year? Whoa, was that a disaster! I should have known it wouldn't work when dealing with the following factors:
1. All ground meat in the Middle East has a certain percentage of lamb mixed in.
2. Avocados are expensive and they do not taste quite the same.
3. You can't buy taco seasoning.
4. Their sour cream is not sour, just cream.
5. Jordanian olives are delicious, but different in taste from U.S. canned black olives.

It is great being back in the U.S. this year where we can make so many fun things.

Next time I tell you we will be eating a yummy meal while we watch the Superbowl, I'll be sure to check the Superbowl schedule first.

Love, mom

Dear Trader Joe's

Dear Trader Joe's,
I cannot thank you enough for making salt-free products. My son has a kidney condition and he is on a low-sodium diet indefinitely. I buy your salt-free tortilla chips in bulk amounts! He loves them. I also buy a lot of your sunflower seed butter since my daughter is allergic to peanuts. It is so fantastic to have an alternative to peanut butter. And I may, or may not, buy a sufficient amount of your chocolate treats to get a busy mom through her necessary daily routine. 

My big question is why do you not sell products online? I feel you are really missing out on a huge opportunity. I know all my friends would be valiant customers. Especially in the state of Utah, where you have no stores. I lived overseas for four of the last five years. I had the opportunity to order things on the Internet that were shipped to my husband's work. On many occasions I was ordering from Netgrocer or Amazon and found myself wishing it was you instead. 

I hope you will consider my request.

Sincerely, Shelley (Trader Joe Toffee addict in denial)

Dear Mizani

Dear Mizani,

Thank you for making wonderful hair products. I have been a customer of yours for about three years now. After getting my hair cut a few years ago, the stylist recommended your hair serum. I bought it and loved it. I have been using it on the ends of my hair before blow drying.

This summer my sister-in-law was heading to the beauty supply store and offered to pick up any products I needed. I asked her to pick up some of your serum. When she got there she could not find the Mizani products. After inquiring she was sent to the hair products designed for African American hair. What may surprise you is that I have very fine sandy-blonde highlighted hair! You can imagine my surprise at this discovery! Then as I remembered that hair cut a few years back, I remembered that my stylist had black thick hair.

So my question to you is, are your products in fact designed only for this certain hair type? If they are, why are you limiting your customer base? Just between you and me, my real hair color could be quite dark brown by now. I keep highlighting cause I have no intention of finding out. I would like to continue to use your products, please advise.


Sincerely, Shelley