Dear Doctor's Office

Dear Doctor's Office,

So sorry I missed your call tonight. I was watching my sons' gymnastic show and could not answer in time. I was disappointed you did not pick up when I retured your call. I understand from your message that you have the results from my son's latest blood work. I am very anxious to hear if these new kidney meds are working. You could have left a little more info on you message. I am feeling a bit of anxiety since you called me after hours. I feel like Phil from "Modern Family" when he was left in limbo over some test results. I am trying to think positively. Please call me first thing in the morning!

Speaking of his meds, you said to mention if I noticed any side effects from the new medicine. Tonight at his gymnastics show he was extremely grumpy. He was low on energy and in a foul mood. In fact, he kept sticking his tongue out at me when I tried to take his picture. I told all the other parents that his bad behavior was due to the strong medicine he is taking. Please confirm my declaration, even if his behavior is merely the outcome of poor parenting. Thanks!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

I understand that you have field day approaching at school.  I feel it necessary to remind you of your transgression from last year's field day. You will probably be needing to change clothes again when field day is over. This year will you please refrain from flushing your underwear down the school bathroom toilet? Last year you were lucky your actions did not do any damage to the school's very old plumbing. I was not so lucky to be a teacher at your school when it happened. At least ten teachers went out of their way to be sure I knew of your actions. The teachers, along with your buddies, thought your prank was very amusing. I do not need to remind you that I was NOT amused. Don't worry, moms always get the last laugh. This year I may be "forgetting" to send a pair of underwear with your change of clothes.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

So sorry you have to have blood drawn at the lab tomorrow. I am worried about the threats you have made. Please don't lock yourself in your room, run away, or kick the technician. We'll get through it like we have many times before. It hurts me too little buddy.

Love, Mom

Dear Local Artist

Dear Local Artist,

I am ecstatic to finally own one of your signed prints. I really had to fight for it during the silent auction at the Memorial Day breakfast. Your framed print was the "hot item" of the auction. There were several other women who wanted to take it home to adorn their homes, but I got it! After having lived in Panama, Mexico, and Jordan I have learned a few things about competition and keeping your elbows swinging for what you want. I probably should feel a little guilty for keeping the only writing pen hidden those last few seconds before the auction ended. Oh well, I am moving in two weeks so no new friendships were needed to be made. I did redeem my shame a little by staying and cleaning up after the event. Thanks so much, your artwork is going to look great in our next house!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Children

Dear Children,

Well, we finally did it. Something you have been wanting for months. We made it to church early enough to sit in the "squishy chairs". We usually sit in the back of the chapel in the hard folding chairs not just because of our arrival time, but also because I worry about your behavior. But, you did pretty well today. Everyone was on their best behavior. The only bad thing was the chairs were a little too squishy for dad. He was so comfy he fell right asleep!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Community

Dear Community,

Wow! You really know how to throw a party! Your "Summer Kick-Off Block Party" was amazing. Swimming, carnival rides, food vendors, and an amazing fireworks show. My kids were all in overdrive with all the excitement. Thanks for a fun night. Between exploring caves today and partying tonight we are all exhausted. Welcome summer! Oh wait, there are two more weeks of school!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Thrift Store

Dear Thrift Store,

Thanks for the great hour we spent together today. I can't believe I discovered you a few weeks before we are moving! You are located just around the corner from my children's elementary school. All those days I left the school a little frazzled after volunteering I could have paid you a visit to recuperate. Such is life. Thanks for the treasures, I'll pay you a visit again  next week after reading hour.

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Sons

Dear Sons, 

Wow, you had a lot of energy at your gymnastics class today. A little too much energy for your instructor. He had to call your names a few too many times for my liking. I have a lot of packing to do this week, so I think you will need to bake the standard apology banana bread. Wait, that means I will end up with a big mess in the kitchen. On second thought, you will be making him "I'm sorry" cards. And you have to use at least 15 different colors on your card. That should buy me a good half-hour at least.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Cub Scouts

Dear Cub Scouts,

Wow, I can hardly believe this afternoon is out last den meeting. What a year we have had! I hope you come prepared for our massive water fight today. I just spent almost two hours filling water balloons. Yesterday I went to Target and bought the largest water gun they offer. My gun is so big my arm hurt today after holding it for the few minutes it took to load the batteries. Yes, that's right, it is pay back time. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Sincererly, Shelley (your loving den leader)

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter, 

Bravo! You were a star! Well done. We enjoyed your concert immensely tonight. You did a fabulous job singing your solo song. Sorry if we embarrassed you with all the applause and smiles from the front row. We were just so excited!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Dad

Dear Dad, 

Well, it's official. My oldest son loves the Sunday Comics as much as you do. He can't wait for the weekend newspaper to come. He races to retrieve the "Funnies" before his younger brother gets to them. No, his younger brother can't read them yet, he just wants them to tease his older brother.

 So, now that we are moving overseas again, I don't have the heart to tell my son that there are no "Friday Funnies" in the Middle East (Friday being their Sunday). Although you have managed to find a few political cartoons you enjoy sending to me, I don't think he will understand most of them. For example, how a Saudi man who remarries does not need to replace his wedding picture. ;)

So, what do you say, can you save your comics for him? They would make great filling in one of mom's care packages.

Sincerely, Your Favorite Daughter

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Dad and I enjoyed teaching your class at church today. You were very well behaved in comparison to your classmates. Thanks for setting a good example. However, as you sit there attentively, I worry you are oberving bad behavior that you later replicate at home. I guess I should just be grateful you mind your manners in public. Although I regret to inform you that you will no longer be allowed to chew gum at church until you can keep your gum in your mouth, and not all over your hands and my clothes.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

I feel I need to apologize for disrupting your peaceful Saturday morning in the burbs. I apologize my children were up at 5:45 a.m. with anticipation for our big garage sale. I could only keep them indoors for so long. I felt like it was Christmas morning my kids were so excited. Sorry to cause so much traffic, we sure had a big turn-out. I was pleased even a few of you came to shop, just remember there are no returns.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Children

Dear Children,

We need to set up some guidelines for our garage sale tomorrow. Please be advised of the following:

1. You may not buy each others things (even if you have always wanted your sister's giant stuffed monkey).
2. I agreed to buy donuts for you to sell, not eat. You may each eat one donut and that is it.
3. You may not sell anything that is not yours.
4. Please don't wake me up before 6:00 a.m. asking if we can get started.

Looking forward to tomorrow. You are going to have a genuine American cultural experience!

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

I am glad you are looking forward to our garage sale this weekend. I am a little worried about your expectations. I don't think anyone is going to pay top dollar for you old stuffed animals or clothes. No, we can't sell the books we have borrowed from the public library. However, we can sell some of the toys you are hesitant to part with. I say if you have not played with the toy in the last year, it's got to go.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son, 

I enjoyed our conversation about marriage at bedtime tonight. One day you will marry a very sweet girl who will appreciate all your wonderful qualities. I think it is great that you want to only give her high fives, and not kisses. I am glad I am the only girl who doesn't have "cooties" in you opinion.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Playgroup

Dear Playgroup,

Thanks for yet another entertaining morning. There is one matter I feel needs clarification. Yes, the dermatologist did remove a mole from my foot yesterday. No, that does not mean that "doctors like to cut off your freckles" like my son told you. You all seemed very alarmed. Don't worry your sweet little freckles are safe.

Sincerely, Ms. Shelley 

Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Congratulations! How exciting to get to sing a solo in the spring concert! I am so proud. So now it looks like you will have some new lyrics to learn. This is a good thing considering tonight you were singing the ingredients of the spray butter at dinner. You sure love to sing. Can't wait for the concert. 

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Hubby and Kids

Dear Hubby and Kids,

Thanks for a wonderful Mother's Day. Hubby, thanks for being chef, dishwasher, gift wrapper, and most important, referee. Kids, I loved your homemade cards and I forgive you for cutting flowers out of the yard. I feel very blessed to be your mom. Thanks for keeping me smiling and laughing every day.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son, 

Congratulations! How thrilling to be chosen MVP of your baseball game today. You have worked hard to get better at batting and today it paid off. Way to go. No, I don't think your success was due to me buying you a Gatorade, I think it was because you really tried hard to do well. But, if it makes you feel "lucky" I will get you a Gatorade for next game too.

Sincerely, Mom 

Dear Mom and Mother-in-law

Dear Mom and Mother-in-law,

Your Mother's Day packages may be getting to you a little late. Yes, they are "in the mail" finally. I did not know that my dear Korean friend at the Global Foods makeshift mailing center could close shop whenever she feels like it. I have felt like I was back overseas the last two days trying to catch her shop open. There must be some Korean holiday this week I do not know about. 

Don't worry, I made the drive to the real post office. It was not as much fun though. I was a little bothered they did not offer me free samples of dried exotic fruits like my Korean friend does, but at least they were open when the sign said they would be. That kind of sums up life in the US to me. Boring, but reliable!

Sincerely, Shelley  

Dear Oldest Son

Dear Oldest Son,

Whoa, you were really upset with me this afternoon. I merely asked you to attempt your math homework without assistance. I still do not think my refusal to help was justification for you to confiscate the Mother's Day picture you made me. C'mon now, what are you going to do with a colored picture of flowers and hearts that says "MOM" in big letters? May I please have my picture back?

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Cub Scouts

Dear Cub Scouts,

So glad you had fun today making a Mother's Day gift for your moms. Thanks for being so well behaved. You all listened to the directions and stayed in your seats most of the activity. I can't believe it has taken me the whole year to discover all I needed to do to guarantee good behavior was bribe you with chocolate, and not that much of it! As we say in scouts, "be prepared", next week I will be prepared with plenty of the good stuff again.

Sincerely, Shelley (your cub scout leader for three more weeks)

Dear Community

Dear Community,

Despite the rain, everywhere I went today I was greeted by your friendly faces. On all my errands I had people smiling at me. Next time, it would be kind if just one of you told me I was still wearing my fluorescent sticker from volunteering at the elementary school. I am going to assume you all were just being friendly and not silently laughing. I am honesty surprised no one addressed me by my name since it was starring at you in bold letters. Don't worry, my son informed me of my error. He kindly removed my sticker and stuck it in the middle of his shirt where it still remains.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Tooth Fairy

Dear Tooth Fairy, 

I can't believe you forgot to come. My son was so disappointed after personally pulling out his tooth. You must have been REALLY tired last night to have forgotten. I bet you are getting over a cold too. Now that you have had a day to recuperate from the weekend, let's hope for better results tonight. 

Sincerely, Shelley 

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

Congrats on pulling out your loose front tooth tonight. I have never seen a kid so determined to pull out their own tooth. I don't think your tooth was ready to be pulled, that was quite a bit of blood! But, you were very brave and happy to have it out. I am concerned you will be disappointed with what the tooth fairy leaves. I don't think she has personalized hockey jerseys available. It is appropriate that you now look like the hockey player you so badly want to become! You are one tough kid, that is for sure.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Gringos

Dear Gringos,

Feliz Cinco do Mayo! Did you know that Cinco de Mayo is more celebrated in the US than in Mexico?! It is true, when we moved to Mexico I was so excited to celebrate, but when the day arrived there was not a party in sight! This was pretty shocking considering this is a country that has "fiestas" every weekend. Turns out Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican army's 1862 victory over France at the Battle of Puebla during the Franco-Mexican War (yes, that explanation was googled). Not a big deal to most Mexicans. Want to know what day is a big party, Memorial Day! You know, "Day of the Dead". They have mariachi bands and cotton candy at the cemeteries. Go figure.

Today I send a special birthday toast to my sister. She is always one great "fiesta"! I raise my piña-colada in your honor and say, Feliz Cumpleanos Hermana!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Youngest Son

Dear Youngest Son,

No, I do not know where the Old Maid cards could be. How strange they should disappear when we have been playing that game EVERY free minute. Maybe we could go back to U-NO, it is really fun too. I hope you can move on to a new game soon. So far the saying "out of sight, out of mind" is not proving true for your beloved old maid.

Sincerely, Mom

Dear Crafty Sisters

Dear Crafty Sisters,

You both will be so proud of you older sister. Today I finished a project I have been wanting to complete for several years. I organized all of my craft ideas, decorating tips, and recipes in a big three-ring binder! It has categories for all my magazine cut-outs, so now I am completely organized. I have a vague recollection of you two mentioning something online called "Pinterest". I think you said it could help me get ideas organized. Well, good news, I did not even need to use your fancy program. I am all organized and ready to start crafting. I fear some of my ideas are a little out of date. They were cut out of magazines from quite a few years ago. But no worries, everything eventually comes back in style, right? What do you say, should I bring the special binder when I come visit you this summer? It will take up about half my suitcase, but I think it will be worth it!

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

Greetings to all ten of my blog readers. Just wanted to give a "shout out" to celebrate my 100th post this week. That is right, I have rambled on about insignificant matters 100 times in the last three months. Although my letter to the president of Syria was not insignificant. He really needs to wake up and resign.

Anyway, the ten of you will be happy to hear that today I figured out how to switch my blog back to the old Blogger format. Yeah! I am tech savvy again! I almost threw in the blogging towel this last week. So you can now look forward to another 100 posts. Though I am sure you have far better things you look forward to. Like me, I am looking forward to seeing how my six year old sneaks maple syrup into our church meetings this Sunday. He insists the sacrament bread needs some sort of topping. I'll let you know how that goes.

Sincerely, Shelley

Dear Walmart

Dear Walmart,

I know I keep saying that we are through. I have decided too many times that your low prices are not worth the hassle and the long lines. Once your lines were so long I had to leave my cart to make it home in time for the school bus. Then, I miss you and decide to make "one last trip". I am sure you are tired of me saying it is the last time we can be together. My threats obviously are not very sincere. I swore today was the very last time I would be shopping with you, and then I got home and saw my forgotten bag of items to be returned. Ugh!

Sincerely, Shelley